Dear George

Dear George: Just a quick little note to let you know what a bang-up job you're doing (no pun intended, of course), and hey, Dubya, keep up the good work. We're all rootin' for ya up here in Canada, I can tell you, and don't pay any mind to those "moron" jokes. We don't have too much to do here, and well, sometimes we go a little flaky and say things like that.

Now, the main reason I'm writing, aside from letting you know that my invite to your ranch hasn't arrived yet (though I'm sure it just got held up by customs...we can't be too careful with all this "terror" stuff, can we?), is that I hear you're going to be in a bit of a pickle this summer, what with running out of gas during an election year and all. How your gasoline inventories got so low I don't know, but the last thing you need right now is John Kerry crowing about high gas prices and seventies style line-ups at the pumps. Not good optics, old chum. And while I'm sure you have a few irons in the fire on how to solve it, it takes time to invade countries, and even longer to patch up the oil pumps after they've been blown up.

So, in the interest of good neighbourly friendship, and just because I don't like to see a good boy wrastlin' the forces of evil with one hand tied behind his back, I figured I'd pass along a few tips to help you through the summer, keep those pumps flowin' and let you rest a little easier at night, because George, good buddy, you're going to need all the help you can get this year.

Now, first off, this war thing you're still running has got to be sucking fuel faster than a diabetic camel at a water hole, what with all those tanks sitting around idling all the time, waiting to do what, I don't know, because quite frankly, George, they don't seem to be doing much. So, what I suggest is that you institute a maximum idling time of three minutes, at which point you shut the gas-guzzling monsters down and call for a ten-minute coffee break. Not only is this going to leave more fuel for your voters (that's right, voters, George, stay with me here) but it will cut down on air pollution. Hey, maybe that's what the Iraqis have been shouting about all along, given the smoke and fuss you've been making over there.

Have your translators go over the films again; you might be missing a golden opportunity here.

In the meantime, I'd also not bother with any more needless flights in and out of Iraq. Between you and me, George, using thousands of gallons of jet fuel flying war veterans home when they could probably get better care in Iraq seems not only wasteful, but downright silly when you consider the cost involved in caring for them. I mean, look at what a great job they did patching up Jessica Lynch, and the money you save can be put to further tax cuts.

Voters like tax cuts, George, as we both know.

Where all this gets very difficult is on the home front, George, because we also know you just can't go around telling people to park their RVs at home and ride mopeds three thousand miles to Yellowstone Park. Voters don't like riding mopeds. But they might be a little more inclined to pack a little lighter, drive a little slower, and leave the lead foot at home if they see their Commander-in-Chief setting a good example for them to follow.

Before you start, I'm not suggesting that you have to stop driving your pickup. I know you have a lot of fun with it, and I'm actually looking forward to a little spin myself. But let's face it, George. You spend too much time flying around in Air Force One, when a coach seat on Amtrak would do just fine, and maybe Americans could get used to the idea of a moped if they saw you riding one at Camp David. It'd be great for Vespa sales, make Italy happy, and add a little European chic to your image.

And to be honest, Bubba, your image in Europe is a little shaky right now.

So, until you get an excuse cobbled together to invade Venezuela (and please, George, make this one a little more convincing...plant some Minuteman missiles in Caracas if you have to), I'm thinking a little prudence, a little belt-tightening, and a little luck should see you through this summer.

But if it starts looking nasty, I figure you can always play that well-used trump card at least one more time. Just say Osama took all the gas and gave it to the Koreans.

Nothing like a good scapegoat to reel in those voters, eh George?