Something in the Water

Dear George: My friend, you truly are a miracle worker. Sure, you had this thing in the bag the moment the democrats picked a deadpan puppet to challenge you, but my Lord, George, are you ever running up the score! You keep this up, old chum, and you'll have Kerry pummeled back behind Ralph Nader.

But what amazes me is not so much the bump you got from that convention, which was truly a stirring piece of theatre, George, especially "Zig Zag" Zell (now there is entertainment personified, especially that bit about occupiers and liberators...too bad they don't give Oscars for convention speeches, eh?), but how each bit of bad news that comes in seems to be kicking your polling numbers up like an afterburner. I mean there you are, rising above the fifty percent barrier for the first time this year like a phoenix, while American casualties in Iraq rise above 1000, and there's no end in sight for either of you.

Amazing! Absolutely amazing!

You've got American soldiers dropping like fumigated flies, and enough dead Iraqis to fill a football stadium, yet polls now put you 12 points ahead of Kerry on who can handle Iraq better. Hell, George, every time I read about another car bomb I can almost hear the ticker tape at Gallup start to whine like an over-revved chainsaw.

Are you putting something in America's water, George?

It doesn't even stop there, hombre, given the numbers I'm seeing on how John Q. American Public feels about your handling of their tax dollars. And before you start with the "tax cuts are the gateway to plenty" speech, we both know just who is actually getting the keys to the gate, George, and let's be honest, it's not John Q. Then again, given how happy everyone seems to be, why worry about it? Though it's a little mind-boggling to think that with a 422-billion-dollar deficit staring them in the face they're still spotting you nine polling points over Kerry on who can handle taxation best.

And not to bring up a touchy subject (and I promise, no more Herbert Hoover jokes, though the one about the vacuum cleaner salesman and which model sucks up jobs faster was too hard to resist), but how in God's name did you get yourself ahead of JK in the polls when it comes to handling the economy? It's the number one issue for Americans, George, who, despite all those extra servants you've got scuttling around the old ranch, are spending most of their time collecting food stamps and searching want ads.

Yes, George, I know that those new jobs are just around the corner, but between you and me, when they find out that they're all in the military I don't think they'll be too pleased. Of course, the way things are going now, you could probably call for the draft tomorrow and pull an extra 15 points for good leadership.

I swear, George, I'm starting to think you could have walked into that convention wearing hot pants and a pushup and still have gotten a three hour standing ovation, with or without stilettos.

Which has me a just little suspicious, my friend. I mean sure, it wasn't like you had much more to do than hang onto the ball and wait for the clock to run down, but even your fumbles seem to find the right end zone. And don't start in with that divine intervention crap again, George, because you can't tell me that God is in favour of poverty figures that make Calcutta seem affluent.

What is it? Mass hypnosis? Drugs in the Twinkies? Some secret Republican mass mailing with free tickets to see Oklahoma!? Not that I mind, as such, though if you'd given me a little more of a heads up, I could have made a serious killing with my bookie.

Seriously, George. Is there something in the water?