Never Bet Against a Texan

Dear George: My friend, you amaze me. The entire world, even your own 9/11 commission, is convinced that Saddam and Osama are as likely a pairing as pickled herring on an ice-cream float, and there you are blazing away, holding your ground, and staying on message. Well, good on ya, because there's nothing worse than a limp-wristed liberal who can't stick to his guns.

Nonetheless, I must say it's just brilliant how you're working the old electorate. I mean, who in their right mind would ever guess that after a year of footage, reports, and testimony to the contrary you would still have half the country believing not only that Saddam was connected to 9/11, but that he fueled up the planes and checked the baggage himself? Yes, I always thought this "stay on message" thing would never work, and despite all this silly new-found evidence that Cheney is talking about, you and I both know that you didn't have any at the time, and probably still don't, and somehow that hasn't made a whit of difference in the minds of at least 130 million people...which shows you how much I know about politics, eh?

And yes, I just mailed off a crisp, new ten dollar bill...U.S. funds, don't worry. Congratulations, you win. Remind me never to bet against a Texan.

But here's the thing, George, and call me crazy if you like (though calling me a weak-kneed Parisian communist struck me as a little over the top...don't think these things don't get back to me), but aren't you pushing it a little bit with this whole "Ronald Reagan was my mentor and inspiration" stuff? I mean, the tide is turning here, George. Kerry has finally started to actually talk, people are finding out that he's about as exciting and informative as a McDonald's drive-thru attendant, and all that nasty prison/torture stuff seems to be settling very nicely under the public radar screens.

This "Me and Ron" business seems needlessly risky, if you ask me.

Now, sure, him popping off certainly gave those polling numbers a bit of a boost, and if I didn't know you better, George, I'd be wondering if you didn't have him in cryogenic freeze just waiting for the opportune time to spring him. But now I hear you've got ads hooking you and Dutch together like a couple of gung-ho cowboys that would make John Wayne look like a sissy. And while I know you like dressing up and playing gunslinger (and let me know if we're still on for this Halloween...election permitting, of course), I really do wonder if this is a good idea.

Perhaps your father never told you this, but, well, he and Ron got into a bit of mischief back in the eighties, what with some nasty dealings in Central America and whatnot. And Ron wasn't much for handling the national debt either, George, he was a tad absent-minded, and he took a real thrashing over space defense...though he was good with a joke and an excellent horseman from what I hear.

But let's face it, George: some of those things cut just a little too close to your own situation for comfort...and before you start getting giddy, I'm not referring to your prowess as a rider. I've seen you try to mount a horse, George. Let's not go there.

So, while I know I just got a good ole Texas fleecing on this already, it would be wrong of me, as your friend and confidant, not to point out that one too many pokes at a bees' nest does not necessarily bring forth honey, or so I've heard. I like to buy my honey at the store, George. It's safe, always in stock, and that is exactly what you should be doing: lay low and wait for the honey to come to you, my friend. Give the Democrats enough rope and they'll hang themselves faster than you can say "informed voter."

Okay, how about double-or-nothing then?