Dear George: Well, my friend, you finally decided to visit. And while I know you've been putting this off like a root canal appointment, I think I speak for at least five other people here when I say good on ya, hombre, welcome to Canada. We've got lots to discuss, a pile of business on the table, and we can't keep letting all this political stuff get in the way, though I can't help but add that this was not your first invitation.

Believe me, George, I can understand missing the Halloween party with the election and all, but skipping my birthday party hurt. I mean, the presidential coasters you sent were nice and all, but still.

Be that as it may, let me be the first to give you a few tips for while you're up here, and I don't mean things like leaving your snow shoes at home and being sure to pack enough beef jerky. I think you'll agree that we've both had more than our fill of stereotyping, and I can assure you that you can find all the beef jerky you want at any corner store.

And I know you'll find some snow in Halifax, so relax.

No, George, my concern is that you might experience a little culture shock while you're here, and I for one don't want to see that. Remember that little incident with the French baguette? Enough said.

So, first off, George, let me warn you that you'll not just be facing protests while you're up here, but ones with people who are openly stoned on marijuana, in public, and possibly married, and gay. And while I know you've been briefed on this stuff, it's one thing to read about something, and quite another to be in the middle of it. Think CIA intelligence and Baghdad and I think you'll get the idea. But the main thing I want to make clear here, old boy, is that while I know they'll strike you as socially deviant and possibly possessed, it's quite normal up here, and rarely have such people been known to bite.

So don't worry. Just make sure your security people remember to accessorize and bring lots of Doritos, and they should be fine.

Speaking of security, you might want to avoid making any cracks about our mounted police not being overly mounted, or offering up any Dudley Do-Right jokes. They take their work seriously, George, and while those hats do look a little funny, they're no worse than a Texas Rangers', and these boys can still ride a horse in a pinch.

To music, no less. I kid you not.

But it's the big issues where things are going to get a little sticky, old chum, especially the missile defense program, which I know is a real favourite of yours, and mine too for that matter. The money to be made alone is just staggering, to say nothing of the diversion it provides, but people up here are still under the impression it actually works. They're concerned about how it might escalate the arms race, George. I know you have no time for pussy peaceniks and wimpy liberals who can't embrace the biggest cash cow the defense industry has seen since the cold war, but go easy on them. I mean, you can't just come out and say "it doesn't work, don't worry," now can you? Let them see a few more failed tests for themselves.

Same thing with border security, which I know is starting to tick you off, but quite frankly it's not sitting too well up here, especially all this fingerprinting and profiling you've got up and running. But here at least I think there is a solution, and all it involves is setting an example and leading the way, George. You see, Canadians are a fussy lot, and the one thing that galls them is having someone force something on them that they don't do themselves. Double standard sensitivity, you might say.

So here's the trick: when you come, the first thing you do is get fingerprinted, profiled, and interrogated by CSIS for three hours. Do that, my friend, and we'll be like lambs to slaughter.

You don't mind, do you?