Break a Leg, George

Dear George: I know this might sound a little strange, but have you ever considered the merits of breaking Brett Favre's leg? Yes, George, that Brett Favre: Green Bay Packer quarterback and all-around Wisconsin miracle worker. I know it might be a little unseemly to suggest throwing some secret service muscle at America's favourite gridiron general, but I strongly urge you to consider it.

Because we're superstitious men, George, and superstition says that if Green Bay wins, you lose.

We can't have that, my friend. There is far too much riding on this, not the least of which being that Baghdad condo development we have planned for the new year, and I really don't think a little meddling with the mobility of one NFL pivot is too much to ask. Because in the last 17 elections the incumbent has won only when the Washington Redskins won the game before the election, George, and I don't want to worry you, but they're two point underdogs to Green Bay at the moment.

They need all the help they can get, and so do you.

And before you start crowing about that Gallup poll that had you up by eight points, let me remind you that the rest have you up by no more than three, and some seriously nasty numbers have you behind in 13 key states, in a dead heat in Ohio, and your approval rating below fifty per cent for the second week running. While that still has you looking like a winner by a nose at the finish line, we can't count on numbers like these, and there's no telling when the Democrats are going to finally get fed up and have Nader snuffed.

If Ralph Nader goes, George, God help us.

We need some seriously big plays here, hombre. All those fancy helicopter landings, dry ice shows and Top Gun themes you've been using on the campaign trail this last week might work for the Ice Capades, but an election slam dunk they do not make. It's time for something big, and given that I haven't seen you flopping Osama onto the Oval Office desk like a freshly snared marlin, I'm assuming that an October surprise is out of the question at this stage.

But how about having those missing Iraqi explosives turn up on a cargo ship in New York Harbor? I mean, how the hell you ever let 380 tons of high grade explosives get pinched like a handbag at Tiffany's, I don't know, but as you've said many times, it's not the lemons you're dealt, but how you play them. And what could be better than a little terrorist scare for a rough and tough war prez like you, eh?

Ever thought about the votes you'd get in Florida if you invaded Cuba this weekend? It'd look good on the resume, and Arnold would love you to death for all the cigars. Just think of it as a really big political rally with lots of expensive fireworks.

Hell, invade Grenada again...they could use the manpower.

But regardless of what you do, George, it needs to be quick, because with Tuesday coming up like a bullet train on the wrong track, you're running so close to Communist Kerry his lawyers will have the results tied up until the next ice age, which, if nothing else, is just plain embarrassing. You know what you were like last time that happened, and I, for one, don't want to see a repeat of it.

Being dressed up like Al Gore for a game of William Tell was not very nice, George...I'm still waiting for an apology, by the way.

No, my friend, it's the knockout that people remember, not a split decision on points, and all you have is five days. So stop hugging 9/11 victims, George, and start thinking about making a few more of them. Scare them straight to the Republican trough before they start getting ideas that the tall guy with the impossible hair just might be worth taking a flyer on.

And if all else fails, George, break a leg, and make sure you get the right one.

Go Redskins!