No Contact in Whoville

And it came to pass that all the little children of Whoville would not go out to play. The ballparks were empty, the soccer fields bare, and all the little football helmets had been hung with care. The parents argued, the parents discussed, and it was finally decided that not one more child would be concussed.

It all started with hockey.

When Whoville's leading neurosurgeon noticed a disturbing trend amongst the children in his care, namely that they were being concussed faster than a herd of fur seals in Newfoundland, he made a report urging that something be done. While it had been suspected for years that it was mass brain damage that led to the great Christmas Heist of '57 (contrary to reports in some publications and local broadcast media), it was not until Lindy-Lou Who snapped her neck like a pretzel after a nasty crosscheck that anyone took notice.

But notice they did, and the Whoville Junior Hockey Association was quick to ban all body contact during their games. The children focused on developing their skills, and before long the hockey players of Whoville were the most talented and exciting players in the world, quick of mind and fleet of foot, until they got the snot kicked out of them at the world juniors, and then they were just the saps who couldn't hang onto their Christmas gifts. Everyone returned home, forgot hockey and busied themselves installing the latest infrared chimney surveillance system.

There was Spring to look forward to, and with it the hopes and dreams of baseball, the smell of fresh cut grass, the roar of the crowd, the crack of the bat, the pride of wearing the team hat. But then Tommy-Drew Who had an asthma attack every time someone cut the grass, prompting a call for Astroturf and a five-fold increase in local property taxes. This lead to a shortened season due to lack of funds, but before they could even reach the playoffs, Bobby-Sue Who, a boy burdened not only by his name, but the millions Johnny Cash made off it without even the slightest recognition or royalty payment, was drilled in the head by a split-fingered fastball and yes, he suffered a concussion. To this day all he can do is recite the words to Folsom Prison Blues.

So in the interest of their children's health, and perhaps with a little concern for the escalating costs at the department of Parks and Recreation, baseball was suspended indefinitely, pending a report from the health ministry. There were those new searchlights that needed to be installed before December, after all.

It was football the people of Whoville loved most, which they would celebrate and toast. Now it didn't hurt that they had Peggy-Sue Who as nose tackle, the brother of Bobby-Sue, who was not only twice the size of his brother, but twice as angry at his parents. Peggy-Sue ate quarterbacks for breakfast, or would if it was legal. But when the opposing quarterback went only three steps back and hesitated, it was Peggy-Sue who made him wish the football in his hand had never been left behind under that tree.

Some still wonder if Peggy had breakfast that morning.

In the end the parents settled on Chess, until someone realized that driving the children to local tournaments was more risky than any of the sports they used to play (sure, Whovillians took driver training, but quite frankly, you had better odds surviving a flight to Vladivostok on Aeroflot than taking a ride in Poppa Who's minivan, side impact rating or no), and to be honest, the children of Whoville had never been very bright. So they were locked in padded rooms and left to play video games...until Wendy-Woo Who cut her thumb on a joystick button.

And so with the coming of fall, not one could be seen at all, the winds too strong, the weather wrong, all the kids having gone to the mall. But through the clouds there was one who looked down, with not the slightest hint of a frown. He was a sour old fop, but that old Grinch could not stop. He laughed until he dropped.

Giving himself a concussion, of course.