Let's Have Some Fun

Every New Year's Eve there are more than three trillion promises to do right, lose weight, quit smoking, and drink less, and maybe three lone individuals succeed.

You are going to fail! Accept it.

Good. Acceptance of failure is the first step...now let's have some fun.

First: I want you to call all your friends and family and tell them that you've lost five pounds. I want you to do it tonight. Be proud, but don't gloat, and let it slip that you even had some English Trifle the night before. In fact, when you're talking to a zero-fat diet nut, make it two servings.

Second: For all you smokers out there, tell that special busybody friend or family member that you've not only quit, but have taken up gardening to help you cope (this goes equally for alcoholics, drug addicts, or anyone who watches too much Oprah Winfrey). This won't be so much fun in the telling, but it will be when you arrive in mid-January to start turning over their frozen flower beds or ripping up their front lawn for spring planting.

Just scream "enabler" if you have any problems with access to their tulip bulbs.

Third: I bet you have some leftover turkey. This is a state of affairs that the people who insist on serving turkey insist that the people who have to keep eating it year after year must put up with. Well, here is a resolution you should be able to keep. Serve turkey. On every occasion. Whenever you entertain, serve the great North American bird, with all the trimmings: Easter, birthdays, Halloween, weekend get-togethers, and communal gardening sessions. The old cry of "enabler" should take care of any critical comments.

Fourth: How's that weight loss coming? Well, just before Valentine's Day, announce to one and all that you have now lost another fifteen pounds, despite taking night classes in French cuisine and extra credits in "The Art of the Deep Fryer." You'll probably want to resort to wearing baggy pants, shirts, and sweaters, and sourcing a good used clothing store will be crucial come summer; you're going to need some seriously oversized clothes for added effect soon.

Fifth: Well, gardening just isn't going to cut it with this smoking/drugs/drinking thing. It's spring, and you'll now have to add painting to the list; specifically, other people's houses. Yes, it's time to express your inner self to help you grapple with those inner demons and stick to that (ha ha) healthy lifestyle. So paint a friend's house pink. Turn your parent's bungalow into a rainbow. It's physical, positive, and you are trying to better yourself, after all, now aren't you?

Just don't light up or crack open a Coors while you're at it or this whole thing is blown...and summer is the best part.

Sixth: Okay, summer's here. It's hot, sticky, and just the perfect time to serve a heaping helping of roast turkey, gravy, and cranberry sauce, wearing shirts three sizes too big and laughing about the forty pounds you've lost since Uncle Ralph mentioned at Christmas that your sweater was getting tight. You'll probably have a hard time sourcing the turkey, but odds are you'll still have leftovers, and dried out chicken will do in a pinch. For effect, start acting a little faint...that's some severe weight loss you've been going through (wink, wink).

And for all you smokers and drinkers, summertime is cottage time, and what could be a better way of getting the old monkey off your back than breaking out the power tools, hammers, and perhaps a blowtorch or two, and doing some helpful renovations on all your friends' lakeside abodes. Sure, you wouldn't actually know a hammer from a hummer if one was to hit you, but it's the physical effort and satisfaction of a job well done that matters. So what if your good health costs people a few cottages? Just make sure they have insurance first. We're having fun here, not being outright sadistic.

Seventh: Ah, Halloween! Now's about the time to splurge for a body double...a really thin body double, because you're going to be crowing about a good sixty pounds of weight loss, and well, people might call your bluff at this stage, or possibly put you in intensive care. So find yourself a stick pin look-alike, and make sure they're dressed in something that can't talk, like the world's thinnest Mummy, and go as their friend (suitably disguised, of course) so you can watch the fun.

And it goes without saying that you're handling your family's and friends' decorations this year as part of your therapy...may I suggest Liberace meets Rob Zombie?

Eighth: Are those bells that I hear? Yes, Christmas is nigh, and your year's cycle is complete. Be sure to announce in November that you've lost eighty pounds, you would like size one clothing for Christmas and you're planning to practice orthodontia on all your friends' and family's children as a coping mechanism. Mail out freeze-dried turkey as stocking stuffers.

Oh, and do be sure to stock up on the smokes, booze, and Big Macs come next Christmas...everyone you know will insist on it.