The snow is melting, the birds are singing, and I bet you've already gone for a jog in your underwear. Ah, butt naked was it? All too common, I'm afraid. While not much of a problem if you live at a latitude where the differences between the seasons amount to a couple of degrees on the thermometer, it can be disastrous to your health and perceived sanity if you're pretending it's summer somewhere north of the 49th.

Every spring hapless victims are gripped by the urge to make like Harry Belafonte in knee-length Bermudas, while they sing calypso music and quaff margaritas on their back porches at the first sign of snowmelt. Long cold winters, combined with excessive Sudafed abuse, can lead to a potentially dangerous fixation with below-zero sunbathing that so far has been under-diagnosed, resulting in a lack of proper treatment and therapy. Whether it's a case of synchronized swimming while there's still a crust of ice on the pool, or reckless motorbiking in a Speedo, Spring Fever is a serious condition in need of immediate attention.

Clinically known as Seasonal Affective Psychosis Syndrome, or SAPS, Spring Fever can strike without warning, leaving those stricken in a disassociated, delirious state, and at severe risk of various cold-induced maladies, including Mammary Papilla Publica Constrictum, or in laymen's terms a case of visibly perky nipples in a public place. Put simply, running naked while there is still snow on the ground causes various body parts to constrict in dangerous ways, and while trendy in Norway, may cause public embarrassment if not treated immediately with warm blankets and a straightjacket until symptoms subside.

Yet this is only one of the many horrors associated with SAPS. Those in the thrall of SAPS have been known to engage in outdoor drinking and patio parties, oblivious to the cold-induced tremors and clear signs of impending hypothermia as they recline well into the night wearing little more than tee-shirts and jockey shorts. More than a few have been found the next morning, frozen solid in mid-sip, the victims of a sudden cold snap that, despite spring optimism, can hit at any time. Frostbite, impotence, severe loss of self-esteem; these are only a few of the outcomes that await those afflicted with Spring Fever.

And while those prone to SAPS will tell you that they feel fine, that there is no problem, and that it's perfectly normal to garden in nothing more than your bedroom slippers before even the tulips have bothered to poke their heads out into the cold, don't believe them. And if you love them, don't let them. Those afflicted are aware of neither their environment nor their own physical state. Oblivious to the dangers, they will water-ski in slush-filled lakes at the first opportunity, or hang-glide in a summer dress with little or no consideration for the brash stupidity of their actions.

But there is help. Support is available, for sufferers and family members alike, including workshops in proper weather report interpretation, and unobtrusive but effective measures for physical restraint, from harnesses to specially constructed "quiet rooms" where the afflicted can rest comfortably until the fever passes. In some cases, heavy sedation until late June may be necessary, in combination with aural stimulation in the form of Christmas Carols to remind those affected that Jack Frost will still nip at their nose if they aren't careful.

Simple, precautionary measures can also be taken by loved ones. These include storing the sufferer's spring and summer clothing in a tamper-proof container until seasonal conditions truly warrant their application, and planning regular winter-themed activities to keep the sufferer's mind focused on the actual weather at hand and not let it stray to unhealthy notions of summer frolics through the meadow.

Whatever the solution, the first line of defense is awareness, and preparedness. Don't be fooled by that late-setting sun, be ready to catch those close to you and pull them indoors when they stray, and have an emergency parka by the door at all times.

It's a cold world out there; remember that and you just might keep your willy.