With the inevitable energy crunch looming on the horizon, and talk of the first nuclear reactor to be built in the US in more than thirty years, many are turning to more innovative forms of energy production; and the initial results look very promising.

Yes, child power is coming to a school near you.

Harnessing the power of children is certainly not a new idea, with previous uses of this ever-present and renewable resource dating back to the early nineteenth century. And while effective in small-scale mining production and farming applications, the modern machine will do ten times the work and not need a nose wipe.

But in the 21st century, billions of joules of energy are being wasted by underutilized children running, screaming, and expending massive amounts of energy to no real purpose but to annoy neighbours and break windows. And with their ever-increasing fat stores due to excessive feeding, children represent an excellent, renewable, and environmentally friendly energy source that is only now bearing fruit in numerous laboratory experiments across the country.

"You would be amazed what you can get out of an eight year old with nothing more than a treadmill and a carton of chocolate milk," says Professor Marcus Witsbrow of the National Research Institute for Alternative Energies. "Of course, we had a few problems getting them motivated at the beginning of the study, but we've found that with a combination of XBox games and a steady flow of double-chocolate smoothies and Fritos you can keep the little devils pumping away for hours...It's truly amazing to watch, and with regularly cycled bathroom breaks, the potential output is limitless!"

The key to maximum efficiency, says Professor Witsbrow, is to harness all four limbs in a device playfully known at the institute as "the rack." A combination treadmill and rowing machine with ergonomically designed game controllers for handle grips, and an automated drink/food dispenser at the ready, the Adolescent Energy Generator has an average output of over 2 kilowatt hours, though as Professor Witsbrow stresses, "these really are preliminary numbers. We suspect that we can quadruple that output with proper conditioning and a heavy dose of fructose before each session. And once the boys hit puberty, they practically go off the scales!"

Of course, some are questioning the ethics of such an endeavour, arguing that harnessing the youth of the nation for purposes of power production amounts to child slavery. But as Filippa Rodriguez argues at the Society for Child Welfare and Advocacy, "how ethical is it to let your child turn into a beach ball?! The children of this country are fatter than three-ton hippos. Anything that helps them take the weight off and lower my electric bill is fine with me. Sign me up!"

And it won't just be your electric bill that sees a healthy drop in price if Bill Anderstorp has his way. As head of one of the largest educational boards in the country, Anderstorp sees this as a way to not only generate much-needed electricity, but pump some money back into education, reducing his dependency on local tax dollars. "One of the biggest complaints I get, day in and day out, comes from whining PTA reps asking just what we're doing with their hard-earned tax dollars. Hey, if I can sell back some electricity to the grid and still have money to buy pencils without any of their grubby tax dollars, well...let's just say I'll be telling a few people where to put their complaints next time I see them."

Already the first to participate in field trials, Anderstorp has been impressed with what he's seen so far. "We have a quarter of our test school in gym class at any given time, for an average output of 4000 kilowatts during the school day, and let me tell you, they're so tired after a session, we have the quietest classrooms in the district. Absolutely amazing!"

Further research has yielded promising results doing cross-training with peewee baseball leagues, and Professor Witsbrow expects that home units for field training will be ready by year's end. "The only limit we have is children, and there's certainly no shortage of them!"

Children, truly our most valuable resource.