Wife's Willy Worries

Until recently, neither I, nor my wife, gave much consideration to the length of her penis. Oh sure, we knew that the average length of a penis was somewhere around five-and-three-quarter inches, that not only was length a concern but thickness as well, and that if you couldn't keep the ol' flagpole at full mast for longer than it takes to mix a double martini with a twist, then you might as well just keep your Speedo on when you jump in the hot tub.

But of all the things that a woman can face, from breast cancer to an obligatory membership in the PTA, we never, ever, considered her penis size to be a serious issue.

Many, many people apparently do.

In the last week alone, my wife has received no fewer than 346 email messages, all personally addressed, expressing grave concerns that if she is not careful, she is in serious danger of losing that special someone in her life. Yet, what is most informative from all this correspondence is that, unbeknownst to me, I'm very dissatisfied.

Thankfully, there are solutions to this desperate state of affairs.

We were both shocked to discover the sheer variety of options available to help solve this crucial problem that has sadly and unexpectedly entered our marriage. From pills to patches, creams and salves to devices that look like they could do some serious physical harm if not used exactly as directed, we're assured they're all "doctor approved" and have been successfully used to increase both length and girth by hundreds of thousands of satisfied customers.

The best option looked to be "Natural Gain Plus," guaranteed by the manufacturer "Pill Medics" to add three whole inches in the next four months or our money back. This came as a great relief to both of us, because as has been made abundantly clear, my wife does not have a second to lose.

Of course, much like having a well-tuned sports car ready to hit the road with no gas in the tank, you don't want to hit the boudoir hung like Zeus without some serious, heavenly staying power. Thankfully, the folks at "Medspro" are one step ahead of us, offering ready-to-go shipments of Viagra on demand, because as one email message said, "It's not enough to please your spouse for a few minutes, it takes hours to really show the true depth of your love." And while we're a little mystified at the moment as to how all the mechanics of this are to be sorted out, we both agree that hours must be better than minutes...I mean, they must know what they're talking about, being "leading providers" of solutions for erectile dysfunction three years running.

In the meantime, the helpful people at "Discount Foreign Pharmacies Online" want to let us know that should we need assistance procuring anything from Paxil to Valium, perhaps aware somehow of the stress we are both feeling at the moment, just give them a ring, and before you know it a case of "Mother's little Helpers" will be on their way by express airmail in two business days. And apparently we don't need a note from our doctor, which comes as a serious relief, because getting a script for anything stronger than Extra Strength Tylenol requires proof of at least three broken bones; preferably large ones.

What has us confused is that I haven't received a single email message concerning my size, stamina, or what kind of drug fix I might be interested in, and while I'll grant that my wife has some serious pill-popping to do to catch up with me, it's not like the Chippendales dancers need worry about me crowding their turf, as it were. But 346 email messages can't be wrong, and if adding an extra few inches is what it takes to save our marriage, well by God she's just going to have to do it.

Especially when I still have to deal with that "feminine hygiene" issue I was emailed about last month...very distressing.