What nuclear power plant?

Having just put a tray of pastries into the oven, Mrs. Billingsley was about to settle in to twenty minutes of Regis and Kelly when she heard a soft knock at the door. Thinking that it might be her delivery of new lightweight Kevlar rolling pins she recently purchased on The Shopping Channel, she rushed to the door, only to find no one there.

"Psst, over here Mrs. Billingsley...down here in the bushes."

"Why are you in the bushes?"

"I don't want to be seen, Madame."

"You don't have my rolling pins, do you?"

"Ah, no. But I am here on some serious business. I'm from the Pickering Nuclear Power Plant, Madame. Ah, may I come in? There is a squirrel trying to crawl up my leg."

"What nuclear power plant?"

"The Pickering Nuclear Power Plant, Madame. It's actually just at the end of your street."

"All I see is trees and mountains."

"Ah well, this will take some explaining...may I come in Mrs. Billingsley? This really is of the utmost importance, and well, I fear the squirrel is about to gather more than a few nuts."

"Oh dear, fine. Come in, come in."

After some tea, finger sandwiches, and fifteen minutes of Mrs. Billingsley watching Regis Philbin learn how to square dance, Early Warning Officer Joseph Riddletick desperately needed to go to the bathroom, but a higher duty called.

"Mrs. Billingsley...."

"Please, call me Miriam."

"Ah yes. Well, Miriam, ah, first I should explain those mountains and trees."

"More tea?"

"Ah no, no. The trees, Miriam, and the mountains, are actually part of a concealment program operated by the management of the Pickering Nuclear Power Plant...."

"This is Pickering!" Mrs. Billingsley said with rising agitation.

"Well, yes Mrs....Miriam, it is. You see, some years ago there was concern about how a nuclear power plant would affect the property values in the area, particularly a plan to introduce early warning emergency sirens in local neighborhoods should...well, should something unpleasant happen."

"I should think so! My Lord, I'd never buy a house anywhere near such a place...what's this about Pickering?"

"Ah, perhaps some more tea would be in order for both of us...Hmm, thank you. Now, how shall I put this, Miriam? You see, the Pickering Nuclear Power Station is in...well, quite frankly it is in Pickering."

"What?!"

"Ah, and actually it is at the end of your street...it's part of the park and playground, to be precise."

"Why don't I know about this?"

"Ah, well, Miriam, you see that is the beauty of our new approach, because, you see, um your property value would go substantially down should you, or anyone really, actually know."

"That shifty little bastard."

"Pardon?"

"That sleazy son of a...the man that sold us this house. He kept pointing to how close the park was and snickering. We thought he was drunk."

"Ah, well, I can assure you, Miriam, that no one else knows about the plant and your property value is perfectly safe...however, I must inform you that, ah, well, quite frankly Miriam, you aren't."

"Well I'm glad to hear that. Do you know what we paid for this place? Now what's this about not being safe?"

"Ah, well, you see, um, we've had a little accident at the park...I mean plant. Actually, it's not what I could honestly call little, as it's really quite a big accident, actually. Very big. Um, do you have somewhere you might be able to go for a few days?"

"Well, there's my cousin Margaret, she lives in Toronto. I've been meaning to for some time actually. You know she has this wonderful collection of garden gnomes...."

"Ah sorry to interrupt, Miriam, though I'm sure they're quite lovely, but do you perhaps know someone who lives a little farther away than that?"

"How far?"

"Um, perhaps somewhere overseas?"

"Oh dear."

"Now, now, it's not that bad, and please rest assured, Miriam, your house will be perfectly fine. I suspect there will be no problem returning in a week or so, perhaps a month...yes, I'm pretty sure we can get things sorted out in a month. Now, not to be indiscreet, but is that your own hair, Miriam?"

"What?!"

"Well, it's just that a wig might come in handy in the next little while, that's all. Now if you could make arrangements and pack...though there is no need to rush, as such, because you won't be able to leave before dark."

"Why?"

"Well, we don't want anyone seeing you and your neighbours leaving all at once, now do we? We've booked you for a 1:00 am transfer, which should give you plenty of time...do any of your teeth feel lose, Miriam?"

"What?!!"

"Oh nothing. Well, I must be off. Do you mind if I leave by the back door?"