Cash-strapped Cupid

Ah, Valentine's Day. While I'm not exactly sure why we celebrate love during the most miserable month of the year (I suspect travel agencies with shares in beachfront resorts have been up to no good), it is time nonetheless for us to turn to our significant others and show them how much we love them.

Thinking that was what Christmas was for, I maxed out my credit card last month, which leaves me with little choice but to either get creative with my gift giving this week, or be forced to rob the local Laura Secord, unless I'd care to experience just how much love is truly in the air on a cold February's night.

Now in days gone by, being a young, frisky, and flush fellow with a recent infusion of cash from a student loan, I was prone to random acts of rose buying; a dozen here, a dozen there, and a good two dozen come Valentine's Day. Well, at last check, two dozen long-stemmed red roses cost a cool $230, and while that does come with a vase that could be reused as a birthday present for my mother in a few months, it's still a five-fold increase in the "I love you, but quite frankly I'm broke" stash of money I've managed to save since becoming of more interest to my credit manager than my wife the month before.

I also used to be one for romantic dinners in fine restaurants...all five courses, and the best wine; yet two things have gone terribly wrong since those heady days. For one, the government stopped loaning me interest free money and had the nerve to ask for it back. And for another, what would once buy a fairly decent entrée will now get you a side salad and stale baguette, and if you're lucky they'll give you some oil to dip it in until they figure out that's all you're ordering.

Even going to a movie is a tall order, especially given that Valentine's does not conveniently fall on a Tuesday this year, leaving the choice of either going to see a full-priced feature that night and sharing a single bag of unbuttered popcorn (extra charge, you know), or hitting the afternoon matinee and perhaps indulging in a couple of hotdogs and nachos instead.

And if I were to include a card along with this romantic odyssey for two, there is a good chance we won't have enough bus fare to get home.

So, thinking that I'd do what any suave Don Juan wannabe would do, namely take my beautiful wife on a trip to her parents' to raid the fridge and watch some movies on their VCR (um, you see, ah, we don't have one...ever seen what they cost?) as they planned to be away for the weekend, I reserved some movies at the video store (nothing says love like planning ahead, plus all the specials might be gone by Friday), planned an exquisite three-course meal that I would personally prepare (after taking careful inventory of my in-laws' pantry during my last visit), and even splurged on a box of scented candles (you got to love "dollar" stores). That was until they decided to stay home, rent some movies, and raid their own pantry...but hey, kids, we'd be happy to have you join us.

Nix that one.

So here's the plan: Back to the dollar store for some massage oil, over to the used bookstore for a copy of "One Hundred and One Ways to Orthopedic Bliss" and a copy of the script to "Hello Dolly" for later performance by yours truly in lieu of the aforementioned movies, a quick stop at the corner store for fruit and whipping cream (hey, it worked for Mickey Rourke), then a trip to the liquor store for one pint of Bourbon for later performance by yours truly of "Hello Dolly," then home to whip cream, light candles, practice script and pick up my socks from the bedroom floor.

Total cost: $23.95, tax included, and the "I Love You" is free.