Toronto Spam

If you've noticed a sudden flood of email from friends and family living in Toronto, don't be alarmed, because they're not trying to hit you up for a loan to pay for their latest property tax increase, at least not directly. The odds are all those people who packed up and left for a better life in the big city are just being good citizens and participating in the latest campaign to bring much needed dollars into Canada's biggest city with the ego to match.

Yes, the Centre of the Universe needs you! Well, they need your credit card number and expiry date, actually.

Times are tough here in Hog Town, what with SARS, the flagging American currency, and the general lack of interest on the part of US citizens to go through the five levels of security that may soon include cavity searches and delousing while crossing the border. No one wants to come to our fair city, see our museums, eat in our restaurants, take in a show, or run the panhandler's gauntlet on Yonge Street. And to top it all off, we lost our power for an entire day!

I know you can feel our pain. Pray for us.

While you're at it, please pass the collection plate, which brings me back to all that nasty email you've got collecting in your inbox.

Not being the kind of people to take a good crisis lying down when there's money to be made, the folks at Toront03 Alliance, a group of enterprising marketers trying to put good 'ole T.O. back on your travel itinerary with the help of volunteers, corporate dollars and a requisite dose of federal money, want us all here in the Big Smoke to become "Ambassadors." Sadly, this does not involve a cushy placement in the south of France and a full pension when the wine runs out, or I'd be there in a flash.

No, we're supposed to act like a bunch of crazed chain mail addicts, picking five of the closest people in our lives, and bugging them to come and visit, take us out to dinner, pay for us to join them in the discounted front row of The Lion King, and generally act like a bunch of destitute paupers while we're dragged around town as guests of...um, our guests.

No one ever claimed that this made sense.

Naturally, this will tug at the hearts and minds of all Canadians. Yes, I know we can be a little self-centred at times, what with having the largest single population, economy, and branch office of the CBC. Okay, there's nothing left of central British Columbia except a lot of fresh charcoal and insurance claims. Sure, I know, anything over five feet and leafy got blown half way to Nunavut by hurricane Juan, and Albertans are evaluating the pros and cons of cattle over Chrétien, but for the sake of all that's good and decent people, we have sushi that's going bad!

Thankfully, we're also dripping with celebrities to do promotional plugs for their favourite source of food, attention, and suitably large paycheques. Why, the city is rife with stars having lunch, seeing shows, consulting dietitians and having their bodies contorted by Shiatsu experts, and once you get a note from that good-for-nothing brother who's more interested in a 34th floor condo than the family farm, you'll be able to come and take the little sod out for a night as only a carefully chosen star of the screen, stage, boardroom or court can guide you.

You can take the Jerome Williams tour (he's a basketball player), checking out Museums, an Argos game (rumour has it they play football), or Hulk Hogan if he's in town. If popping your ear drums sounds like a thrill, then it's time to lay some money down for the Rick Vaive tour (he's a former Toronto Maple Leaf; apparently once a good goal scorer) up the CN Tower. Then there's the "where I eat when I'm not making you wish Rick Mercer never quit This Hour has 22 Minutes" with Colin Mochrie.

Or you could just send us money. We're not picky. We have no shame; cheque, credit or money order, just let us know.

We'll be checking our inbox.