Resistance is Futile

As a supporter of same-sex unions, I'm often asked whether I know that I am contributing to the destruction of marriage as an institution. Well, once I stop laughing with maniacal glee, I tell them that yes, certainly I do. In fact, it goes far beyond just the institution of marriage. Why, the whole gay movement is a plot for world domination, a well-orchestrated plan to enslave the human race and force them to dress better, be more polite, and come to universal worship of the divine wisdom of Sister Sledge. And after having seen a few too many people wearing avocado tube tops, I was more than happy to join the cause.

As that great philosopher Jean Luc Picard once said: resistance is futile.

Take this past week, for instance. There was our Canadian point man, Paul Martin, busy nominating those two nasty little she-devils to the Supreme Court of Canada, stacking the bench with so many homo-friendly judges that the only debate they'll have is whether or not to have Queer Eye For The Straight Guy piped directly into judges' chambers.

This, I'm sure, was quite a shocking turn of events for many, most notably the Canada Family Action Coalition and Real Women of Canada, or as we like to refer to them around the old same-sex water cooler, the "Barefoot and Preggers Brigade," who were calling for Martin's head along with a compensatory shipment of jolly jumpers. For there was the Prime Minister of Canada, a staunch Catholic, having vowed only months before to change the way Supreme Court judges are chosen, sneaking two hand-picked pit bulls in through the back door, and virtually guaranteeing the lucrative trade of groom-groom, bride-bride wedding cake figurines for years to come.

Well, rest assured, the man has not gone mad.

You see, the Prime Minister is what you might call a "sleeper," indoctrinated in his youth, carefully trained, and set on a course to gain wealth, power, and political connections for the day when he would be needed to either become leader of Canada or bankroll queer theory symposiums. That call came last year, and while activating Mr. Martin, or operative X-9 as we refer to him, and getting him into position was, as you know, a bit of a messy exercise, what with the expulsion of failed operative X-7 (a.k.a. Jean Chrétien) and the election that was almost derailed by counter-homosexual activities agent 006 (you know him as Stephen Harper), it was deemed worth the risk.

To quote a member of our high command, "I just saw three straight guys wearing man purses. The time is now, girls! Hit it!"

Yes, the gay conspiracy runs the gamut of society, from lowly hair stylists who have gently moved male hair design and personal appearance from Ward Cleaver plain to George Michael chic, to pop culture icons ready and willing to engage in same sex French kissing on nation-wide television. In the corporate arena, movers and shakers are at this very moment subverting the "straight" world order, claiming such silliness as wealth and capital acquisition as their cause. Marketers have, for years, been slowly changing the minds of you and your fellow citizens in a vast homosexual brainwashing exercise that now sees women embracing the fashion statement of the hiking boot. Do you think all the Marlboro Man was doing was smoking and herding cattle? Why do you think there was ever a Ken doll in the first place? It wasn't for Barbie's benefit, I can assure you.

I, myself, have taken to reading Home and Garden in the presence of other men, and having the bartender switch the big screen from football to Martha Stewart (who is in on it, by the way. Just think what she'll be able to accomplish in prison!). And for over a decade, I've been ever so subtly increasing the intimacy with which I hug my father-in-law to the point that soon he'll be able to watch a Ricky Martin video without flinching.

So fear if you must, but understand that the actions of one lowly world leader is but the tip of an iceberg that cannot be stopped, melted or ignored. Yes, fair reader, one day you will marry someone, someone you love, someone you care for, and someone with whom you can share your wardrobe. It is inevitable.

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