As Comfortable as a Musty Sweater

For those who thought they were getting something different than our autocratic, pie-throwing, glib, poll-obsessed former prime minister when Paul Martin muscled his way into Canada's highest office, the only thing they haven't got so far is a pie in their face...at least not yet, unless you consider his political backtracking on the same-sex marriage issue the metaphorical equivalent.

No, King Paul is not only the refreshing change of leadership we didn't get, he's even mustier than his predecessor. Portrayed as a new generation politician by numerically challenged people who don't see the gray hair or Mr. Martin's surprising proximity in age to our former prime minister, he's not only stodgier, more conservative, and, if possible, less inspiring, but he's committed more screw-ups in his first two months than Shawinigan's prodigal son did in his first two terms of office.

The latest embarrassment comes in the form of a little accounting error that our new Prime Minister considers "appalling" in its inaccuracy. It concerns the amount of money his company, CSL Group, received from the government, an amount he felt no need to mention or correct when it was first mentioned last summer while he was busy flipping burgers and petting poodles on the backyard campaign trail. You see, it was reported that CSL received a total of $137,000 in government grants and loans, when in actual fact it received $161,000,000 during his ten years as finance minister.

Notice the difference in zeros there...our PM has a gift for understatement.

Now, I don't know about you, but if I received a credit card statement saying I owed five dollars when I was pretty sure the plasma screen television with five-hundred-watt surround sound and 36 "because three dozen to start with sounds like a good idea" DVD library I just purchased the month before was, if memory serves, just a teensy weensy bit over five dollars, I'm not sure I'd just shake my head, wonder why they'd come up with a number like that and go flip some more burgers.

But hey, if they called me on it later, well then gosh yes, that is an absolutely appalling error; what were they thinking?

Now true, it's not his company anymore, as he's just recently transferred ownership to his sons. So we can all rest assured that while it may have looked a bit bad before, there will be no conflict of interest now, nor any father-son chitchats about government, business, and how they might relate to steam shipping. ("Well son, how's the weather on your end?" "Great Dad, and on yours?" "Wonderful son...well, I guess that about wraps things up...oh wait, your mother has some questions about that debt financing deal thingy, whatever that is. Here's your mother.")

In the meantime, our Prime Minister has taken to stepping on his political opponents with a glee not seen since the royal purges of Peter the Great, and one wonders whether he's still smarting from getting turfed on his own ass last year, seemingly working through his "issues" in staggeringly impolite fashion. This is in contrast to every other leader in recent memory who have had the smarts and political acumen to keep leadership rivals, no matter how bitter the campaign or how intense the animosity, close at hand and in key positions of government.

Even Chrétien was able to stomach the presence of Martin in his cabinet for a decade; though one suspects he whiled away his midnight hours, when not fending off disgruntled voters with heavy art objects, playing "who's the pin cushion" with his little "Pauly" doll.

But not our new king, who, when not busy sticking his nose up George Bush's nether regions over sausage and eggs, spends his time getting rid of former leadership foes.

At the top of the list is one Sheila Copps, she of the free flags and ribbon cuttings, but also the uppity broad who had the audacity to soil Paul Martin's coronation with such silliness as an actual leadership race. And in reward for actually trying to keep up the appearance of democratic process, if not its substance given the circumstances, a federal MP with double the years of public service as our newly anointed emperor, and one of the most well known and accomplished women on the federal scene, has been tossed aside like a pair of smelly underwear. Only severe public pressure has caused our chief to blink and offer to at least give her an uncontested chance of being a lowly backbencher come next election, to which Ms Copps rightly told him to stick it up his steam pipe.

Yes sir, he's only had two months, and this spring we'll give him another four or five years, and while they say that springtime is a time for renewal and rebirth, that's not rebirth you're smelling.

I'd suggest you hold your nose for awhile.