Dudley Do-Right is a Republican

While we pride ourselves on producing the strongest beer in North America, fostering the finest hockey players this side of the Eastern bloc, and generally being more informed, enlightened, and caring than our friends to the south, the sad fact is we are becoming more like them every day. For years we have taken to drinking Coors Light and pronouncing "scallop" with an "a" hard enough to crack cement. Not only do we have "Canadian Idol," but the Mike Bullard Show and Da Vinci's Inquest, and it's only a matter of time before Peter Mansbridge starts wearing a Dan Rather hairpiece.

Yet in the time it takes to say "due process," we have joined the right-wing feeding frenzy that has most of the people on this planet wondering just when George Bush might get it in his head to bring democracy to their front door, and whether it might involve an Abrams tank.

We don't have anything as nasty as that at our disposal, but we do have the trusty RCMP to keep the Nell Fenwicks of this country safe from crazed Punjabi students who engage in such suspicious behavior as sightseeing.

In numbers that will drive our numerologically obsessed neighbours crazy, 19 foreign students and refugee claimants were "detained" without criminal charges, adding to the five other men being held under Federal Security Certificates, again without any charges or forthcoming evidence. In keeping with the Bushian doctrine of protecting civil liberty by bludgeoning it whenever possible, we've cast aside due process, presumed innocence, and public presentation of credible evidence.

It may turn out that these people are truly crazed terrorists bent on flying single-engine Cessnas into nuclear power plants, but one has to wonder who is actually winning the war on terrorism when we forsake such fundamental ideals in a confused, tail-chasing, attempt to protect them.

Osama Bin Laden must be laughing his tunic off.

Ever since the tragedy of the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center (or 9/11 for all you number freaks), the United States has been tearing up its own constitution, and violating a half-dozen Amendment rights with the passing of the Patriot Act. American lawyers need to sweep for FBI bugs when talking with their federally detained clients, citizens can be investigated without probable cause, and religious organizations monitored at whim. And while a Mosque in Podunk, Illinois can be subjected to the scrutiny and interrogation previously reserved for the likes of Leonid Brezhnev, it's questionable whether Oral Roberts and his "Ministries" will ever see more than an IRS consultation over a pitcher of iced tea and biscuits.

Such is the model of freedom that George Jr. has in mind, and one we apparently are willing to emulate.

In a display that would make Donald Rumsfeld proud in its shear chutzpah of denial and contradiction, RCMP Commissioner Giuliano Zaccardelli denied that the 19 men held in detention posed any security threat, and stated that there is "absolutely no evidence" of a terrorist threat in this country, but that "it's an ongoing investigation."

I can only assume that we're holding them for kicks.

While the RCMP have always "got their man," I generally thought it involved more than innuendo, phone tapping, and a predilection towards Middle Eastern men with questionable tourist brochures. Will CSIS now be "sexing-up" intelligence so that Canada can have the moral clarity and justification to invade an oil-rich country of minimal military means and intent, despite John McCallum's pledge to cut a further $200 million from the defense budget (does Luxembourg have oil?)? Perhaps the Musical Ride will start making its presence felt at peace rallies, as a subtle reminder of who's watching out for the best interest of Canadians.

Your guess is as good as mine, because what the RCMP is up to is not public knowledge. They could be planning charges of gross indecency and fashion sense against Adrienne Clarkson for all we know. There could be investigations into where you buy your couscous, particularly if your driver's licence has anything as exotic as "Al" or "Singh" under the "Name" category. The Mulroneys might still be facing "Inquiries" as to how and why Ben managed to get on television.

If this is what "peace, order and good government" means, then give me liberty. I hear it's going for a song south of the border.