TOP SECRET: FOR OFFICIAL EYES ONLY. If you do not have Level Five Canadian Security Clearance (or possess a CIA designation above typing pool secretary), stop reading now! Unauthorized access to this document will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of Canadian law, up to and including a very serious tongue lashing.

You have been warned.

Historical Summary -- During the summer of 2003, a battle group of the Danish Navy, consisting of one fully armed dingy and a flotilla of rubber ducks, took the beachhead of Hans Island in a covert maneuver that eluded all of NORAD's naval and electronic defences. Danish forces immediately unfurled the flag of Denmark in full view of what subsequent intelligence has identified as a landlocked arctic fox. While there has been diplomatic wrangling since 1973 concerning its official territorial status, it has recently been learned by Canadian Intelligence that this Danish offensive, known officially as Operation Seal Pet, was not an isolated event but the first stage in an extended plan to take over the Canadian north for purposes of playing with the indigenous fauna.

Alarmed by this intelligence, on the 1st of July of 2005, Prime Minister Paul Martin signed an order declaring war on Denmark, with full approval by unanimous vote during a secret security session of Parliament, giving authorization for the immediate implementation of OPERATION DANISH.

Operation Danish -- During the early planning stages of OPERATION DANISH, it was determined that employment of traditional tactics with the current resources of the military would be inadequate in repelling this most fierce of armed aggressors. A quick inventory showed only one available frigate, two rifles, and a box of roman candles at our disposal, along with a dozen treadless snowmobiles. Manpower was also a concern, with only the Minister of Defence and his press secretary available for active combat. Already on the scene under the pretence of inspecting CFS Alert, Minister Bill Graham was briefed and subsequently dispatched to carry out Phase One, code named Operation Diplomatic Insult. Armed with only a Palm Pilot and parka, Minister Graham reached the shores of Hans Island in July of 2005, facing only light resistance in the form of an enraged puffin.

Once the area was secure, the Minister proceeded to investigate the island for signs of chemical weapons, which were quickly identified in the form of something called "aquavit," a deadly concoction of alcohol and caraway seeds that the Danes have been known to use in the field. While such aggressive action has, in the past, been met with equal force in the form of strategically placed bottles of rye whiskey, it was decided that it was time to escalate the situation by planting two bottles of specially requisitioned double-proof Iceberg Vodka and a box of éclairs. Intelligence has yet to confirm casualties, though the Danish ambassador was last seen with what looked like a very bad headache.

Phase Two, or Operation Google Slam, was put into play soon after the Minister returned to friendly waters and had a warm bath. Enlisting the help of private but patriotic citizens, counter advertisements were launched on the Google internet search engine to combat the flagrant and malicious use of this once peaceful medium by Danish authorities to spread lies and propaganda about what is clearly sovereign Canadian terrain. This phase involved Google AdWords which took users to a site featuring a waving Maple Leaf flag and the Canadian national anthem. In Phase Three, or Operation Ambassador in the Buff, Internet users will be treated to compromising pictures and video featurettes of Danish embassy staff at some of the more exotic locales in the Ottawa region.

Phase Four, or Operation Liberal Backbencher, will come into play in the fall of 2005. Faced with declining enlistment and a clearly disgruntled Minister of Defence (who, it should be noted, suffered a seal bite while ice-fishing to supplement his meagre military rations and will receive a Star of Courage for his bravery), the government has been forced to enlist previously inactive backbenchers into full-time military service. Regular sorties will be made to the Hans Island region using the many frequent flyer miles accumulated by backbenchers, where their ample skills in oratory and insult will be used to full effect. The newly stationed troops will yell and taunt any Danish forces that might come near the island. Only "freedom" pastries will be served during in-flight meals, and all participants will be screened for any relation to Hans Christian Andersen.

So concludes this briefing on OPERATION DANISH. Please be sure to read the one-paragraph appendix, "Famous Danes," for cultural context and understanding.