Same-Sex Marriage

Bet that got your attention.

Something happens to the human mind when it hears the phrase "same-sex marriage." It speeds up like a sports car on high-test, and starts worrying about politics, religion, and lofty metaphysical ideas that would have caused seizures in the apathetic brain that existed only moments before. Not only does it start thinking, but it acts on these thoughts, commanding the body to get off the couch and protest, write to a minister, call a lawyer, or direct once-idle civil servants to spring into action and draft legislation like there's no tomorrow. It has the power to turn the course of an election, to scare, to inspire, to motivate and to mobilize a nation to act.

Powerful stuff, that phrase. Who'd have thunk?

If you doubt me, just turn on the news or open your newspaper and see for yourself the frenzy Ottawa has worked itself into. The government that dithered now seems to not only have purpose, but has taken to mixing pseudoephedrine with their morning cup of Red Bull. The Tories already have amendments to marriage legislation that doesn't even exist yet, and before you can say "motivational speeches to the homeless," Ralph Klein has threatened everything short of an oil embargo to force Ottawa to back down, hold a referendum, or at minimum allow Alberta to declare itself a "no homo" zone with a complete ban on proper colour-coordination.

Name me one other phrase outside of "MP pay reduction" that ever got a politician to jump that high without the aid of a Canada Day firework stuck up their keester...okay, sure, Peter Lougheed was known to froth at the mouth every time he heard "National Energy Program," but besides that. Find me one and a free set of His & His hand towels are yours.

But how it is that an innocuous phrase like "same-sex marriage" can cause such fits of hysteria whenever uttered, penned, or alluded to with suggestive formal wear ads eludes me. Does it somehow refer to something other than two people getting married? Is someone getting hurt? Is death involved? War? Pestilence? Famine? Are the Four Horsemen about to ride?

We may never know why, but its power is undeniable. Take the idea of the sanctity of marriage. For years now divorce rates have been creeping ever skyward like an overfed thistle, yet the only noise you hear is the happy giggles of lawyers and their investment bankers. Now insert "same-sex marriage" into the conversation and you'd think you'd just dropped a hot coal in the moral majority's shorts.

Do you know I've actually been lectured by a divorcee on this?

How about child welfare? Have you heard much about how we treat children? Oh sure, there was some talk a while back about ending child poverty in this country, only to see it on the rise again with little more than a whisper and a shrug from the government or "family" oriented social groups. I believe daycare and education were also once part of Paul Martin's ever-growing to-do list. But utter the word "child" and "same-sex marriage" in the same room and you'll be crushed in the stampede to the nearest lobbyist or lawyer by people suddenly concerned about this new scourge and affront to children everywhere.

Don't bother trying to figure out why it's a scourge...I get migraines just sorting through the bible quotes people keep giving me.

But while one has to feel for homosexuals who have had to jump through more hoops, leap over more fences, and kick down more doors than Paul Martin has promissory notes, and with any luck will finally have passed what should have been law long ago in a country that holds its equal rights so supposedly dear, I think it behooves other interest groups that have been out in the Ottawa cold for so long icicles are forming on their position papers to take note. Fire the lobbyist, forget the lawyer, and just change the wording of your cause.

Softwood same-sex marriage lumber anyone? How about native same-sex-marriage land claims? You probably won't like the reaction you get, but at least you'll finally get one.