That's Mr. Harper, Sir!

"Ah, Mr. Archwald, right on time, good, good. Mr. Harper is very big on punctuality."

"Thank you, Mr. Day."

"Please, call me Stockwell. Now, I'm sure you've been briefed on your new duties as manservant, but there are a few points I'd like to emphasize. First, it is very important that you do not use the word 'minority' in Mr. Harper's presence. He's very touchy about it...too many bad associations, apparently. Also, he'll be referring to you as Jeeves. I'm not exactly sure why, but these days whatever makes the big boy happy is good for all of us...the Lord knows I need to get back in his good books. So, don't let me down, Mr. Archwald."

"Jeeves, sir"

"Hm? Ha ha, indeed, very funny.... Oh, one last thing: whatever you do, don't say anything about his facial twitch."

"Twitch?"

"It's nothing really. It's just that with all the excitement these last few weeks, well...let's just say he's a bit off. Not to worry, it's just a little...ah, here he comes now.... Mr. Harper, Sir!"

"Day, what did I say about showing your face in public?"

"It's a dark corridor, sir. I didn't think it would be a problem this early in the morning...I just wanted to make sure everything was all set with Jeeves here."

"Fine, Day. Very well...but let's not make this mistake again. Wait till after the election. I don't want anyone to realize you're still around. Now back to the closet. I'll have MacKay send up some croissants if there are any left."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

"Now, Jeeves is it? Hm...they keep sending me guys named Jeeves. Amazing. I must say, these days I ask for something and there it is. But these are good days, Jeeves, good days...come into my office and have a look at this! Those are some polling numbers, aren't they?"

"Well, they seem to have taken a bit of a dip from last...."

"Nonsense! Those are majority numbers, Jeeves. Majority! We're rolling across the country...the big blue machine is back in business. And do you know why? Me, Jeeves. Me! Ah hahahaha! They said it couldn't be done! They said I was mad. Mad!"

"Something in your eye, sir?"

"What? No. Why would you say that?"

"Nothing, sir. My mistake."

"Right! Now take this black marker and those newspapers...see that word there?"

"Mi...."

"Don't say it! Yes, that word that starts with 'M'. I want you to black them out. ALL of them, do you hear?!"

"Yes, sir. Right away, sir."

"Good, good...we're going to get along famously, Jeeves. Peaches and cream, that's us...now see, doesn't that marker just fix things right up? Get rid of that 'M' and now we're talking about plain old rights, pure and simple, like the Charter meant them to be."

"But now the editorial reads that you don't care about rights period, sir, not just mi...."

"Shhh!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Fine, fine...what do they know, anyway? But see here? Doesn't that headline look better?"

"It reads 'Harper heading for a Government,' sir."

"That's right! And we are, a big fat Majority Government! Hahahaha! Seems they forgot to mention that...please write that in there. Ah, that's better.... Now then, time for milk and cookies."

"Are you sure I can't get you some eye drops, sir? Your right eye seems to be very...."

"There's nothing wrong with my eye! I'm just exercising the eyelid...you should try it sometime. Very healthy. Now pour us some milk, Jeeves. It's time for a toast!"

"Yes, sir."

"To greatness, Jeeves. To greatness.... Ah, now that's good milk. And there's going to be more than just good milk in this country when I'm done, Jeeves. This country is going to strive! It's going to work and produce like never before...do you know how much effort goes into making one quart of milk, Jeeves? Well, we're going to be like that cow...just think about it."

"Yes, sir. Like a cow."

"Right! In fact, I've always admired how the Republicans have that elephant of theirs for a mascot...what are your feelings, Jeeves?"

"Feelings, sir?"

"A cow? As a mascot? I do believe I'll do that.... Now, Jeeves, what do you think of your new boss?"

"Well, sir, you're very different than I imagined."

"Hahaha! I bet I am! Bet you thought I was just some stuffy old accountant...well, I didn't have the charisma, so I became an economist!"

"Yes, sir. I heard that joke already. Very funny."

"It was funny, wasn't it? Now, while you're at it, cross out that other nasty little 'M' word...yes, that one, right there."

"You mean Paul Mar...the Prime Minister, sir?"

"Ha ha, you catch on quick, Jeeves. I like that...yes, the very same, though not for long, eh?! Still, can you actually believe that man expects me, me, to apologize to him? Thinned skinned little weasel...it's not like we actually said he made child pornography, now did we?"

"No, sir."

"You're darn right 'No, sir'...mercy me. If I got all worked up every time someone criticized me I'd be a nervous wreck. A wreck!"

"Indeed, sir."

"Well, that's not going to matter for much longer, I can tell you. Once we take all the seats in the commons there won't be anyone to criticize us, now will there?!"

"All, sir?"

"Damn right, all! And that's just the start! You don't think I want more military spending for nothing, do you?! Next week Ottawa, Jeeves...and then the world! The World! Hahahaha!"

"Sir, please take this Visine...that looks painful."