There is confusion in the land over whether the Prime Minister actually knows what he's doing or is just checking the tea leaves in his cup every night to figure out what to do next. Did polling figures cause his ill-conceived flip-flopping over missile defense or was it just a sudden onset of intestinal cramps before speech time? Some wonder whether Paul Martin is finally succumbing to brain damage after many years of latte abuse, his famous on-air arm waving merely symptoms of a perpetual seizure that started sometime after Jean Chrétien decided to stay on for a third term.

But did you also know he's a U2 groupie? Yes...makes sense now, doesn't it?

The PM is obviously star-struck, hooking up with U2's lead singer, Bono, at every opportunity. Put the two in the same room and Martin breaks into a grin wider than Alfred E. Newman on the cover of Mad Magazine. There are rumours, quite unsubstantiated, but looking all the more plausible by the day, that Martin has a collection of U2 autographs on his back and has refused to wash for almost two years. Others tell of a man so obsessed with his idols that he spent an entire weekend listening to Rattle and Hum before Sheila set fire to the stereo.

The PMO has not issued any comment on this.

But what is clear is that Canadian foreign policy is being run by a higher power. Did you actually think that Canada is a leader in Third World development aid and debt relief because, gosh darn it, we're nice people with big hearts and loose pocketbooks, or did you consider the possibility that an aging Irish rocker with a passion for helping poorer nations handle their credit card bills is playing Gepetto to our PM's Pinocchio? Scary thought, isn't it?

You see, groupies will do just about anything their pop star masters ask of them, from sexual antics that would make Linda Lovelace wince, to running errands, washing cars, giving foot massages and filling Pez dispensers. Whatever the itch, just have your groupie scratch...and rock stars are notoriously capricious when it comes to being itchy.

Is the PMO being run from a pub in Dublin? Did Bono wake up one day and decide to embarrass Paul Martin by demanding he shift gears on ballistic missile defense after a year's worth of promises to sign up, just because Paul missed a spot on Bono's Bentley? Is the only reason the military received any money in the last budget because Bono was served a bad drink in Barbados and we're going to invade them next year?

Disturbing questions, indeed.

But what is more disturbing is where our Prime Minister's musical tastes will lead the country next. Bono, for all his flashy eyewear and earnest politics, can be viewed as a benevolent sort, even going so far as to toss Ottawa a U2 concert date next fall; and let's face it: no one plays in Ottawa, aside from Paul Anka, and that's because it's his hometown and he has to. Even street buskers stay away unless you give them a three-star room and four-figure retainer, so I can't think of a greater act of kindness.

But what if Martin takes a liking to Elton John? Great piano player, but the man is so prone to hissy fits he'd have us attacking Harrods every time they didn't have his shoes in stock. Any foray into country music is likely to have us committed to making square dancing our national pastime while moving the nation's capital to Calgary, and I don't even want to think of what would happen if someone slipped him a Madonna record.

Of course, Stephen Harper's favourite band is AC/DC, and Jack Layton's seems to be the Bare Naked Ladies (at least around election time), so I guess we can count ourselves lucky. Just pray none of them takes in a Mötley Crüe concert this summer, or we're all in for a lot of lap dancing.