The Greasy Cliffs of Mount Logic

"And do you, Mrs...."

"Miss, Father. Harry died some time ago."

"Oh yes, of course...Miss Flanders, do you take Mr. Frisky to be your, ah, lawfully wedded...ah"

"Yes Father, I do."

"Ah, good, good. And do you, ah, Mr. Frisky, take Miss Flanders to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"Meow!"

"Ahem yes, I do believe we can take that as an affirmative...my, but he is purring rather loudly, isn't he?"

"I think he likes you, Father."

Shocking, isn't it?

If we are not careful, scenes like this will be played out again and again, in every chapel, every church, every synagogue, mosque and monastery. Why, City Hall alone will have to build a new kennel just to handle the overload, to say nothing of the extra kibble in the cafeteria.

Yes, men marrying dogs, women marrying cats, polygamy and unholy unions of children with their incontinent grandparents. Before long people will be pruning their shrubs in the most unseemly and intimate ways.

But thank the Good Lord above for the Canadians Against Same-Sex Marriage for identifying the problem and avoiding what we can all see coming: a massage therapist maimed honeymooning with a cactus.

As they have so astutely pointed out, this is not just a slippery slope but a fully greased cliff, risking all that is good and holy in the world for a bunch of people who didn't have the good decency to stay in the closet and flail themselves until they were ready to come out singing "When a Man Loves a Woman" to the local P.T.A.

It is still up in the air as to just exactly how these people hijacked the Federal agenda (rumour suggests some very sensitive footage involving a high-ranking Federal MP and his "pet" cockatoo), but the fact remains that not only is our livestock at risk, but the family-unit as well, and quite frankly life as we know it.

Indeed.

I'm sure you're just as shocked as I am at that thought. Why just last week, I saw a gay couple taking their (at least one presumes, lacking incriminating footage) son for a walk, with a Dachshund! Now call me crazy, but the marriage combinations amongst that foursome were just too complicated to think about. And I can't even bring myself to tell you about the lesbian couple I saw with their son...the fact that he seemed perfectly happy says it all, really.

For now what is important is to pull together and draw strength from those around us, those with the moral clarity and vision that this country has somehow lost, those who have demonstrated the value and the power of faith in the family, faith in God, and the bounty that obviously follows.

We need look no further than to our friends south of the border, and to their leader, George Walker Bush, a man of conviction, moral precision, and commitment to the family unit. Yes, a man as Christ intended him to be (with absolutely no footage on file involving aviary indiscretions, unless you count that duck hunt a few years back). He's a man who cares, a man who turns the other cheek, a man who loves and respects family.

Now some would say that he's been forcibly turning a few cheeks of his own, and yes, breaking the odd commandment here and there. Okay, he just used the 101st airborne to dismantle a particularly famous family. And some would say he contributed to putting a few more families out on the street. And while it's been suggested that his family is responsible for more than its fair share of war-making and corruption over the last couple of decades the important thing here is to see how vital the family unit is. How sacred it is.

I think it's quite obvious how much same-sex marriage threatens that. Don't you?