Out of Focus

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, please have a seat...and could someone dim the lights? Thank you. Now, I'm sure you are all wondering why you are here. Well, let me just say that while I understand how busy the surveillance and espionage business can be these days, I believe it is important to not only learn new trade skills, but practice and perfect them, and as a long-time photographer and videographer, I must tell you that you people are in serious need of skills training.

These intelligence photos, to be frank, are horrible. Please look at exhibit A.

Here you see satellite photographs of so-called "mobile bio-plants" in Iraq, and while I know the CIA members among you have already been reprimanded over these, they're quite instructive, so please pay attention. As you can see, the sense of perspective in these photos is almost non-existent...I've seen more realism in a Godzilla movie. These could be toy trucks and boxes for all anybody can tell, and yes, I know they're real, but if I told you Godzilla was real, would you believe me?

Of course not...next slide.

Here you see a more recent piece of footage taken by the Israeli Defense Department just a few days ago, and while the perspective is much better, you'll see that whoever was manning this camera, by remote control or no, apparently did not even bother to turn the autofocus on. These are missile launchers, are they? Uh huh, and I'm the emperor of China. How do you expect to convince anybody with camera shots like these? Hm? Long blurry objects being pulled out of a UN ambulance; they could be anything from beach umbrellas to inflatable sex dolls, for all we know...and maybe even stretchers, which is not exactly an uncommon sight with ambulances, now is it?

If you want anybody to believe you, people, you're going to have to take greater pride in your work...next slide.

Now, if I'm not mistaken, the collective imaging budgets in this room would be more than enough to buy Kodak outright with change leftover for a new tripod. Well, do you know what was used to take this excellent picture? Hm? A Kodak disposable. And if you look here you can just make out "Made by General Dynamics" on the side of this tank. A disposable camera, people...yes, you should all be embarrassed. This shot is crisp, sharp, and you can practically count the shell fragments next to this house here.

And notice the composition. No one, and I mean no one, would doubt that that arm there is anything other than a real arm, particularly given its placement in the tank tread, as you can see. This is a picture that speaks to you, communicates graphically the situation at hand, and leaves no doubt in the mind of the viewer as to what is happening.

Perspective and composition, people, very important...oh, yes, there's a barf bag in front of you. Now, next slide.

This is from some video footage taken just last week, and despite the fact that the cameraman is running for his life, being in the middle of a terrorist counterattack after all, you can see that the image is still in focus, and still tracking its subject. See the fear on that serviceman's face? Hm? See the blood here and here? The camera operator remembered to turn on the autofocus, people, and the result truly speaks for itself.

This, I must say, is something that cannot be said for your work, Ladies and Gentleman. You have equipment that's supposed to be able to not only read the fine print of a newspaper in Moscow, but tell you what kind of ink was used and if the guy's fingers were sweaty! Yet, if I didn't know better, I'd think you people worked for The National Enquirer, instead of the CIA, MI6 or Mossad. I mean, what's next, people? Blurry photographs of flying hubcaps and claims that the Palestinians are being supported by Martians? Perhaps you'd like to put someone in a big furry suit and start rumours about the new menace of the Iraqi Sasquatch.

Well, if this is the best you can do, I'd suggest taking early retirement, saving some money, and turning the whole kit and caboodle over to Steven Spielberg.

He might actually get people to believe all this crap.