Please sit down America, and above all else, remember that we love you and care about you. But frankly, it's time for us to be honest, and time for you to face something that you've denied for years: you have a serious drug problem, and you need help.

Now, calm down. Please. I know this is hard, but the time has come for us, your Canadian friends, to intervene. We simply can't stand by and watch you do this to yourself, America. You've been popping too many pills, forging too many prescriptions, and your behaviour has become increasingly erratic. We can't make you stop, but we can cut you off.

And that's what we're going to do.

No more internet drugs, America. No more cheap thrills in a bottle; no more quick fixes in a pill. It was a mistake for us to ever supply you with pharmaceuticals in the first place, but in all honesty we never thought you would be so irresponsible in your drug use.

Admittedly, we've been enabling you, supplying less expensive drugs, and I'm sad to admit, the doctors' notes to get them. We've looked the other way while you submitted multiple prescriptions, ignored your obvious pleas for help as your physical health has failed and your mental stability has waned.

Please, America, look at yourself.

Can you deny what has happened to your social life? Former friends have left you, unable to cope with your irrational actions and confrontational attitude, while your increasingly antagonistic behaviour towards neighbours and total strangers has reached such shocking levels you've become known more for bullying and physical violence than the once vibrant friend we all knew and loved.

And look at the people you have been associating with. Would you call them upstanding and supportive? No, America, you wouldn't if you were honest. They're losers, the lot of them.

Now, please calm down. Yes, it's understandable that you're angry, but recognize that you are not alone. There is help for you, America. With excellent therapy and ample support, you can beat this. But the first step is yours, and with it a commitment to discipline, to diet and exercise, and to a life of clean living.

That is for you to do; we can only stop supplying you.

But there will still be those who will, eager pushers who you know all too well, ready to milk what's left of you. Do you really want that? Do you really want that slimeball Pfizer with his hands in your wallet and his poison in your veins? Must you keep feeding the monkey, popping Xanax at night and modafinil in the morning, taking Lipitor between mouthfuls of Krispy Kremes and Vasotec with your evening's daiquiri?

You are a junkie, my friend; pure and simple. When you visit us all you do is raid our medicine cabinets, and when you're at home you gobble your drugs and wonder why you need more. Do you even remember a day when you didn't need drugs? Or how much you spend on them? Well we do, some 700 million dollars, America, and that's just from us. There's no telling how much you've been shelling out to the likes of Eli Lilly or that sleazebag GlaxoSmithKline, but any way you look at it, it's an addiction of colossal proportions.

How long will it be before you run out of time and money? Have you seen your bank account lately? You're broke, America. You've been living on credit for years now, racking up bills you can't pay, living a lifestyle you can't support, and hurting yourself and everyone around you. You aren't producing like you once did, making the money you once did, or accomplishing what you once did. How can you tell yourself any longer that everything is fine?

Will someone have to foreclose on you before you listen?

Please, America, you're breaking our hearts. We beg you to face this problem now, before it's too late, before you hit rock bottom, before you lose all that you have, and before you consume all of our drugs.

What do you mean we have a drug problem? Don't change the subject!