The Passion of the Cash

"Listen, Mel. I know that Disney and I turned you down the last time around, and I'll admit we were wrong in saying that it wouldn't fly, but I ask you, who could have guessed that half a billion Christians would get off on seeing Christ flagellated like a Freddy Kruger happy meal, for God's sake?"

"Michael, what did I say about taking the Lord's name in vain? Hm? You're going to hell, you know. You and my wife both...I'm telling ya Michael, you gotta convert, my man, you gotta convert."

"Uh huh...I'm Jewish, Mel, and don't look at me like that.... Anyway, I seem to remember you tossing off a few blasphemous curses of your own."

"Only in the movies, Michael...the big guy is okay with that, trust me. So the sequel, what do you think?"

"The Passion of the Christ II, The Inquisition?"

"Beautiful, isn't it?"

"Ah, Mel...I've looked at the script, and ah...how shall I say this?...I almost coughed up my cream cheese just reading it."

"You didn't look at the sketches?"

"Who needs sketches when you've got words like 'rend,' 'slash,' 'slit' and 'gush'?"

"Michael, Michael...baby, come on. I'm sensing negativity here. And look where that got you before. You know how much money I took in just this last week? Huh? Michael, my man, I sold 4.1 million DVDs on the first day, pal. We took in $600 million worldwide this year! And here I am, bygones be bygones, reaching out to my fellow man like a good Christian should...I mean, sure, you're a Jew, but there's always hope. And anyway, you've got the distribution to double the take this time around. You, me and Disney, Michael. Ha ha, 'A match made in heaven!' Get it, Michael? Huh?"

"Yes, I get it, Mel. But tell me, what do racks, boiling oil, and...ahem...skin rending have to do with 'the Passion of the Christ'?"

"Well, being a Jew, I guess you wouldn't get it...ever hear of the Inquisition, Michael? Hm? Pope, Spaniards, lots of screaming...ah, those were the days."

"Yes, I have heard of the Inquisition, Mel. And as far as I know, Jesus never showed up for a spin in the Iron Maiden."

"Well that's the beauty of it. I mean, there was only so much we could do to him in Jerusalem, but in Spain! My word, but the possibilities are endless...I've already picked out a complete set of genuine period cat-o'-nine-tails. Oh, you should see these things! There's still blood on them, Michael!"

"Ah, right, Mel...blood. Maybe you should sit down and sip that tea."

"Sure...mmm, Darjeeling? Great stuff. But listen, Michael, what worked before will work double this time...we'll pull him apart like a house fly!"

"Well here's the problem, Mel. Aside from the idea of the house that Mickey built backing the cinematic disassembly of Jesus Christ, though the numbers I'm seeing just might get us past that this time around, if I understand the story of Jesus, and yes, Mel, I know I'm Jewish, but...would you stop looking at me like that?!"

"What?"

"Never mind...Mel? Jesus hasn't come back yet, has he?"

"Welllllllll...technically speaking, I'd have to say no."

"Uh huh. Any record of him popping up at all since, oh, 33 AD or so?"

"Not that I know of, though I saw this weird looking muffin not long ago that had me thinking of Jim Caviezel for the rest of the day...amazing resemblance."

"Right...a muffin. Listen, Mel, don't you think there is a little problem with having Jesus pop up in 1478 AD? You know, historical accuracy?"

"What the hell does that have to do with it?! Michael, Christians...and it's still not too late Michael...but quite simply, Michael, Christians just want to see their savior flogged, persecuted, and basically mutilated like a farm cat. They'll believe just about anything if you give them that."

"But why not just do a movie about the inquisition itself?"

"Who cares about that! Look, Michael. No one is interested in seeing some average Joe getting boiled alive. They want The Man, Michael. Numero Uno! Do you know what happened at the test screening, Michael? When we put those nails in his hands, you would have sworn the whole room climaxed. That's what sells, Michael, and quite frankly, I'm not about to argue."

"I'm not sure about this, Mel."

"Why not? Look, we'll call him Jesus of Barcelona or something...everyone's called Jesus in Spain, anyway...and just dress Jim up in the same costume, put some thorns on his head, and leave it to the imagination. Trust me, they'll love it!"

"Uh huh...and what about having tiny naked Jews wearing horns and dancing around a boiling oil pot?"

"What do you mean?"

"Right here, in scene six."

"You guys don't do that?"

"Get out!"