Hey, it wasn't my fault!

So, you see, it all started with a Quarter Pounder...I mean, Ronald said it was OK, right? And you had to have fries with it, and a Coke, and before long I was having Big Macs and chocolate shakes. I couldn't stop. I was thirteen, I had no friends, big as a house and nothing left of my allowance. So, yeah, I started stealing change; but just a little! Well, at first, anyway. Before I knew it I was up to four McFishs a day and a fifty-four inch waist! I begged them to stop serving me, man, I really did, but that smile is free, you know? They're very friendly people.

Do you know how hard it is to get a date when you have a tartar sauce habit that won't quit? Or to get a job? I mean, there aren't enough breaks in the day, what with all those combo meals to choose from.

But what I'm thinking, what with these "social responsibility lawsuits," is that I might just take on Mayor McCheese, you know? And the way I figure it, they owe me. They owe me big. Sure, I didn't bother to exercise, but I was young, impressionable like.

And there was all those happy meal toys to play with.

But there's this lady in Ontario; you heard of her? Yeah, yeah, the one in Woodstock, the gambler. Well, like, she settled, settled real nice. Lawyers says she's real happy like, you know? Suing them for a million bucks is what I heard, all for letting her into the casino when she asked them not to...signed a "self-exclusion form" it said in the paper. Staff's not supposed to let her in, right? But they just smiled and let her pull up a seat for a little craps.

I know what that smile's like! Remember last week? Yeah, when they had that McRib special, oh that was good. I couldn't stop. Yeah, but like it was just after they cut off breakfast, but the manager knows me, right? So he says "you want your usual before we shut breakfast down?" How do you say no to that, man? I even got an extra hash brown for being so regular like.

But, anyway, this lady is real set up, you know? And her case isn't anywhere as bad as mine. Sure she lost her job, and a lot of money, but at least she had it to lose! I remember when you could get a Big Mac for buck! A buck! You know what it costs for dinner now? She don't know a thing about losing money, I can tell you that!

Way I figure it, if this lady can put her hand out for a cool million, I'm thinking that I'm good for at least five. Hey, I could become a diabetic any day now! And Christmas is coming up, and I bet if I had five million my mom might do more than serve bean sprouts and scowl, you know? This lady in Woodstock, she's going on about how people started giving her the cold shoulder, stuff like that. Hey, I know all about cold shoulders, trust me.

Yeah yeah, I know, some girl in the States tried suing McDonalds, too. Yeah, it didn't work, but this is Canada, man! This "social responsibility" thing is getting real popular like, and if my mom ever taught me anything, it's that you got to strike when the kettle is boiling...or something like that, anyway.

So yeah, I could get me one of those personal trainers, help trim up, stuff like that. Hey, once or twice a week, hit the gym, do some of that "cardio" stuff, maybe start eating some of those salads they got now, though I hear you got to take it slow at first, go real easy like. Which suits me fine, because there"s the crispy chicken special coming up.

And, hey, if it don't work, there's always my third grade teacher. Yeah, I know, the old bat doesn't have a pot to piss in, but the school board does, and man, if she had just made me do my homework and not held me back a grade, I coulda really been something.

You know?