English Perversion

FROM: Coordinator, English Language Program, University of New Brunswick

SUBJECT: English Immersion, Rules and Guidelines

As I am sure you have already been made aware, the University, after much discussion and consultation, has revised its entrance requirements for our English Immersion Program, effective immediately. It has been decided that students will not be required to retrain their seeing-eye dogs to respond to English commands, and where necessary, French or other languages can be used to communicate with working animals that are used as aids for people with disabilities. I must stress, however, that this is a very limited exception to the rules of conduct expected of students during their studies at the University. We take great pride in the quality of our program, and must stress that it is an immersion course. No other exceptions will be tolerated.

To that end, please read the rules below regarding general conduct, presentation, and interaction amongst students during your stay. Any violations of these rules will result in immediate expulsion of the student.

1. In order to provide a full immersion experience, it is absolutely necessary that no French, or any other language but English, be spoken during your time at the University of New Brunswick (UNB). Consequently, those students who have non-English names will be required to use a pseudonym. In cases where a direct translation or English equivalent is possible, such as Peter for Pierre, and "The Flower" for the surname of Lafleur, you will be required to identify yourself as such for the duration of the program. Where this is not possible, or if you are unsure of your English equivalent, please contact the coordinator, and you will be assigned an official UNB English Immersion pseudonym.
   

2. We ask that all students refrain from wearing attire that may display foreign language of any kind. This will preclude the wearing of designer clothing such as those with Versace, Yves Saint Laurent, Giorgio Armani, and Pierre Cardin labels even if such wording is only displayed on concealed tags inside the garment. While it is unlikely, such tags have been known to become exposed and thus pose a serious threat to both your and your fellow students' English immersion experience.
   

3. Under no circumstances are you to order food in a public place that is not of a strictly English nature. You are not to frequent French bistros, Sushi bars, Curry houses, or any establishment serving non-English fare. While it is possible to order food in English in such places, these excursions put students at risk of foreign language exposure, and have, in the past, lead to both confusing and embarrassing moments, including the complete nervous breakdown of one local maître d'. We encourage our students to frequent the many nearby English-only pubs and fast food restaurants during their stay, and dining coupons will be provided for that purpose.
   

4. As UNB is situated in a bilingual province in a bilingual country, students will notice that foodstuffs and other daily use products sold locally have both English and French wording on their packaging. While it may be tempting for students to buy such products given their convenience and profusion, such items are deemed to be cheating paraphernalia given the ready English/French translation that they provide, and their possession will be grounds for dismissal from the program. Please purchase all foodstuffs from the school store, where items will have their French description carefully blacked out. Where items desired are not readily available, the University will be happy to assign you a Language Negation Officer to help you with your shopping needs.
   

5. Only English language music is permissible during your stay at UNB. All CDs, tapes, and LPs in you possession must be cleared with our staff. You are not to attend French or foreign language concerts during your stay. For obvious reasons, opera is off limits during your time at UNB. Please note that those students who have children must also refrain from singing Frère Jacques at bedtime. A book of suitable English language lullabies will be provided upon request.
   

6. Due to the pervasiveness of the internet, the ease with which forbidden foreign language material can be downloaded, and the ability to tune-in to foreign broadcasts, students will not be allowed access to computers at any time. This includes onsite campus computers, as well as personal notebooks and/or palm pilots. Students will be issued a pen and tablet of paper upon arrival.
   

Please be aware that all students will be subject to spot checks and searches of their residence and/or person during their time at UNB, and anyone found with foreign language material that subverts the goals and principles of the UNB English Immersion Program will be immediately expelled from the program, the grounds of the University, the City of Fredericton, and the Province of New Brunswick.

There will be no exceptions.