Thank you for purchasing one of our new Soldier's Upgrade Combat Kits from Rumsfeld and Associates. Here at Rumsfeld, we are very proud to be offering this addition to your standard US army issue combat equipment, and hope that you will appreciate the benefits provided by the SUCKs MkIII.

To ensure that you get the most out of your MkIII, we encourage all new owners to take a moment and familiarize themselves with the contents of their kits, as outlined below. We at Rumsfeld pride ourselves on a tradition of preparation and thoroughness, and urge you to do the same, becoming proficient in the operation of each aspect of your kit.

Any concerns, questions or complaints you may have can be forwarded to our head office where they will be dealt with by one of our friendly support staff with the speed and efficiency that you've come to know and trust from Rumsfeld and Associates.

Rumsfeld SUCKs MkIII - Contents:

1. Assault Rifle & Operations Manual: As you may have found during your time in the field, your standard issue M16/M4 assault rifle, while a lovely piece of engineering, is quite simply unreliable. And though much effort has been expended by the armed services in keeping battlefield conditions dirt free, the unavoidable fact is that there is dust in Iraq, and dust jams rifles. To that end, we at Rumsfeld have included this lovely, durable, 100% Russian-made Kalashnikov AK 47 assault rifle, complete with English language operations manual, and embroidered magazine carry bag in the ever-popular camouflage pattern. As you will see, it is simple and easy to use: Load, point, and shoot; no cleaning required. For the soldier that has everything, now you have a weapon as good as your enemy's! Give 'em hell, soldier! (Please see appendix A for further details and helpful hints for converting your M16 into a tent pole.)
   

2. Bedouin Tent Vehicle Cover: Full-sized and made of tough but light nylon, this simulated Bedouin Tent Vehicle Cover provides maximum protection when your vehicle doesn't. Especially popular for those forced to use unarmored transport in the field, these covers will not only provide a believable imitation of a local tent when stationary, but in-transit tests have shown that a speeding Bedouin tent is confusing enough to provide those few precious moments for retreat. When armor can't be had, trust the power of illusion! (Not recommended for protection against land mines, rocket grenades or armed Bedouins. Please see appendix B for details.)
   

3. Inflatable Corporal "Kelly": Yes, back by popular demand is our famous inflatable Corporal Kelly; a life-sized, Kevlar-reinforced inflatable soldier to give you that feeling of strength in numbers when you don't have any. Corporal Kelly provides a convincing simulation of a combat soldier to within twenty feet, making a platoon seemingly double in size before the enemy's eyes. Battery powered, Corporal Kelly can also shout orders to a maximum volume of 110 decibels, in both English and Arabic; an added bit of realism not found on earlier models. When your numbers are few, trust Corporal Kelly to fill out the ranks. (Please see appendix C for details concerning assembly and inflation. Batteries not included.)
   

4. IAA Membership Card - Premium Combat Club: A common complaint heard here at R&A is the need for reliable transportation in the field. While the Army has always prided itself in providing for the needs of you, the soldier, sometimes they fall short. In concert with the Iraqi Automobile Association, we are now proud to offer this Premium IAA Combat Club Card which entitles the cardholder to unlimited free towing, jump-starts, on-site repairs, and one free bullet-proof-glass repair per card. When your Humvee lets you down, you can count on the IAA to get you back on the road. (Please see appendix D for terms and conditions. Minimum two-day response time per emergency call, limited coverage in some hot zones.)
   

5. IOU Certificates: There is nothing worse than being caught on 48 hours' leave with no money, and these days the average combat soldier clearly doesn't have any. Short of writing you that hard-earned paycheck ourselves, we've done the next best thing. Inside your official R&A IOU packet, you will find 50 IOU certificates (value: $20 each) that verify your status as a US army combat soldier owed money by your Government, each with the official Rumsfeld seal, and good anywhere hard American currency is accepted. The drink's on us, soldier! (Terms and conditions apply, not accepted by most banks, collection agencies, or mortgage companies. Please see appendix E for details.)
   

Please also note that we have included, at no extra charge to you, a copy of your military orders, complete with enlarged fine print, and with Extended Terms of Stay highlighted for easy reference during tense meetings with your Commanding Officer.

On behalf of everyone at Rumsfeld and Associates, we wish you all the best. Good luck, soldier. May your tour(s) in Iraq be pleasant.