My friends, the time has come for change, a new approach, and most importantly a better bean dip at the next reception...whoever brought the last one should be ashamed of himself. For if there is one thing dearer to an over-worked diplomat than food, I don't know what is, aside from a particularly good cognac, and last night's was truly scrumptious, especially with those lovely cigars brought by the representative from Cuba. Muchos Gracias, amigo.

But unfortunately, the work of the UN goes far beyond dinner, dancing, and all-expense-paid visits to New York, which is why I've come to you today to propose a new vision for the leaders of the world to embrace, enjoy, and most importantly consume.

For what, I ask you, causes more indigestion than having to deal with such sordid affairs as war, famine, genocide, or civil unrest, while tucking in to a particularly good roast, such as we had last evening? As we all know, there is not a thing that we intend to do about any of these issues, so why must we continue to ruin perfectly good meals discussing them, much less wasting our days drawing up plans and directives that we all know we're going to ignore as soon as we get home?

Life is far too short for that sort of nonsense, ladies and gentlemen, and New York shopping waits for no one.

Which is why I bring to you today the beginning of a dream, a new world order that will protect what we, the educated elite of this world, really hold dear, without the guilt, annoyance, and inconvenience of a charter that makes enjoying a fine soufflé almost impossible. Let me introduce to you the world charter for the twenty-first century: The League of Internationally Disinterested Nations, ladies and gentlemen, the dawn of a new approach to world diplomacy, and doorway to the finest eating to be found on the planet. As you will see, there is only one mandate to our new charter, namely to further better dining, culinary advancement, and general luxury and opulence amongst our members. No more will we bother ourselves with impossible notions of freedom, dignity, and peaceful coexistence, which has been truly a burden on what has otherwise been a very nice lifestyle.

Take the Sudan, where even now we are spending needless days and weeks bickering over what is actually going on there. Is it civil war? Is it genocide? Well, quite frankly, who cares? They're just as dead either way, and as we all know from our early experience in Rwanda, not one among you, including our valued member for the Sudan, is going to do squat about it.

Yet here we are, burdened by a charter that compels us to at least act like we are going to do something, and I don't know about you, but seeing pictures of starving children and corpses half buried in mud does absolutely nothing for the appetite.

Well, once you become part of the Internationally Disinterested, you will no longer be required to even feign concern for the plight of your neighbour nations, outside of whatever developments may impact the next reception's menu and wine list. And let me assure you, that in such cases, you will not only be well within your rights to use maximum military force to ensure a proper appetizer for your fellow members' enjoyment, but duty bound.

No more will we waste our time drafting, passing, and waving about resolutions to stop this and do that. No longer will we harass our esteemed Israeli member, who I think has shown rather good grace in being pestered for fifty years to give up lands his country stole fair and square through force, but instead we will insist that he share his mother's wonderful matzo ball recipe. Our honoured Russian member will no longer have to listen to scripted admonishments for his country's actions in Chechnya, which I think was boring us as much as him, and instead will be lobbied for free samples of vodka and borscht.

And yes, my venerated American friend, feel free to keep spreading "democracy" wherever you see fit...just remember to bring the extra old bourbon to next week's luncheon.