The Terrorist Clearing House

Hi there! Just sit right down. Coffee? There we go, thick like mud, just the way you folks like it. Now, I'm Carl, and let me say that we at the Terrorist Clearing House are very happy that you've chosen us to help you, for Allah knows it's almost impossible for a hard-working terrorist to get any face time these days.

Now, as I'm sure you are aware, we are a private organization offering you, the Iraqi terrorist, a full range of services from television scheduling to video production, costuming to hostage sourcing and ah, how shall we say?...waste disposal, all for a reasonable fee, I can assure you. And with the U.S. military having practically given up trying to control you guys, particularly during election time...well, I don't need to tell you how busy things are getting. I mean, with every mullah and his mother blowing up cars and grabbing all the prime hostage material, what's a terrorist to do?

Ha ha, indeed...too bad there weren't actually any of those nasty WMDs around for you to use, eh?

Alrighty, then. Can I have your organization's name? Ah, the Iraqi Islamic Freedom Fighters' Brigade? Oh my. Well, here's the thing, you see we already have an Iraqi Islamic Freedom Fighters' Brigade in our listings, and as I'm sure you know, one of the premier services we offer is a terrorist name registry and trademark service. Are you aware that we have over three thousand names already registered? Well no, of course they aren't all actively out bombing people, but you never know when you're going to need a good name. And yes, some would be happy to sell you the name rights, but between you and me, they're charging and arm and a leg for them right now and I really wouldn't recommend it.

No, not literally...they're quoting in U.S. dollars, if I'm not mistaken.

What I recommend is that we come up with a new one...now here's a list of pre-prepared names, though we could work with you in designing a custom one for you, complete with logo and monogrammed head scarves, if you like. Ah, you like that one, do you? Indeed, I'm rather fond of it myself. I'm surprised no one has taken it yet. So it'll be Allah's Warriors to Smite the Infidels, then? And, you'll see that once you're done here, it has easy and ready application elsewhere, not being burdened with "Iraq" in the title.

As I advise all my clients: always be thinking about growth opportunities...never limit yourself, that's my motto!

Okay, so we have a name, and you'll be going with the logo as well? Good choice...that sword and Kalashnikov motif is really all the rage. Now, have you considered the sorts of hostages you'll be wanting to take? Americans? Well, they're a little scarce at the moment, at least if you don't count all those marines about, and I really wouldn't bother snapping up a marine; they make horrible hostages, trust me. No, I have to tell you we are having some serious sourcing problems in this regard, but we are not without options, no sir. Now let's see, you've managed to scare off the French, the Spanish, the Japanese, and we haven't seen a good Greek in weeks....

Hmm, have you considered a Canadian? We have a few of those kicking about...no, you're probably right, who would care?

Well, for now we've been recommending that our clients engage in some rigorous car bombing until the hostage market picks up, but you've indicated that really isn't your thing, so perhaps I could recommend our Hostage Stand-in service. Well, they're actually actors, complete with false passports, fake family histories, and an assortment of truly heart rending bios to choose from. And let me assure you, they really play it up in front of the cameras.

Just don't actually cut off their heads...we have to reuse them, and there's a serious surcharge if you do. Don't worry. We can fake it digitally, no problem.

Okay, all that's left is booking your TV spots, though I have to say the pickings are seriously slim right now...all supply and no demand, as it were. You can pretty well forget getting anything in American primetime until November. Hell, I can't even get a simple car bomb on late night anymore, and that's with American soldiers involved. If I hear "the home front's not interested" one more time, I'll be sick, I really will. But we have some options...there's a regular rotation with Al-Jazeera, of course, and I'm pretty sure the BBC will take something after midnight, Greenwich mean, though it will cost extra, because we need to use our British "family" or we'll get nowhere with them.

Well, I believe that's everything. If you can just sign here...wonderful! Welcome to the wonderful world of terrorism, sir, or as I like to call it, the business that knows no bounds.

Now, will that be cash, check, or Bank of America card?