All right! Let me hear you say it, and say it loud, people!

STAY OUT OF MY WALLET!

Not bad, folks, not bad. But it's going to get better, trust me. Yes, I'm Dr. Mike, and today I'm going to help you take that first step towards Sports Fan Assertiveness. And it's a big one, my friends, because for once in your miserable lives it's time to stop blaming other people for taking your money and making you look like saps. You are saps! Look at yourselves! You even let me call you that without so much as a whimper, which goes to show that you'll put up with anything if someone charges enough for it.

And I charge, people, don't I?

Now I want you to take a long hard look at the image behind me. Do you know who that is? I can already see the hockey fans among you nodding your heads. Yes, that's Cory Cross, a middling hockey player, at best, who was quoted last week as saying that he and his professional puck-slapping buddies are treated like meat! Well throw me on the butcher's table and start cuttin' is all I can say! The boy can't stop a puck any better than a length of cheesecloth can stop a bullet, but do you know how much he makes a year? A million dollars, people. And who pays him? That's right. You! So what do we all want to say to Mr. Cross?

STAY OUT OF MY WALLET! That's right! I'm almost starting to believe you...almost.

Okay, whose ugly mug is this, up on the wall behind me now? Well he certainly isn't a brain surgeon, that's for sure! He's Latrell Sprewell, known to all you basketball fans as the NBA's most recent coach killer. Well, Mr. Sprewell thinks he can't feed his family on 14 million dollars a year. Don't you feel for Mr. Sprewell? Sure you do! You've been filling this prima donna's pockets for a decade and all he wants to do is squeeze a little more out of you! And so do his employers, because they both know you'll pay! Well, what do we have to say to Mr. Sprewell?

STAY OUT OF MY WALLET! Feel's good, doesn't it?

These people chase pucks and dribble balls, folks. They don't cure cancer, they don't defend countries, and they don't teach your children, aside from how to do a pick-and-roll with a person's billfold. But they don't put a gun to your head either, do they? You're like sheep to slaughter; all these strike threats and lockouts are just a lot of head-butting to see who gets your money. Well, what do you have to say to that, my friends?!

STAY OUT OF MY WALLET!

Oh, but you're sooo upset that all the great veterans might miss out on one last season of glory by being locked out, aren't you? We don't get to see Mark Messier or Mario Lemieux, or Steve Yzerman wheeze and limp their way around the ice for their final bow. Well, Boo! Hoo! Hoo! Let them sit on the bench! These men took you for a ride for twenty years, and built mansions with your stupidity. They say they care about the fans, they love the fans, and you bought it hook, line, and sinker! If they cared, they'd cut their salaries in half, demand that their league do the same with tickets, hand out free jerseys and invite you over to dinner! But guess who always picks up the tab, people? That's right! So what do we say?

STAY OUT OF MY WALLET!

And I want you to keep saying it. I want you to drive down to your local stadium or arena at least once a week and shout it to the heavens; bring the walls down with your rage! Tell these greedy children what they can do with their expensive games, their twenty-dollar pizza slices and official team jerseys and signature sporting shoes! What? You didn't think I caught all those new Air Zooms strutting in here? LeBron James is twenty years old and has 100 million dollars in endorsement contracts! So take off those shoes, and throw away those hats! Put them in a box and mail them back! And we all know what to write on the box, now don't we?

STAY OUT OF MY WALLET!

All right! Good first session, people. Next week we'll look at some new techniques for how to put down that sports page for good. So stay strong, and be sure to drop by the gift shop on the way out...those Dr. Mike mugs won't last long at only $11.99, now will they?