Let Freedom Ring

"Well that just about wraps up your first lecture, Iraq, Freedom and You, but please let me end with some stirring words from our President, when he so rightly said that 'freedom is the permanent hope of mankind, the hunger in dark places, the longing of the soul.' It really brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? Now then, any questions? Yes, you sir, there in the front."

"Perhaps, venerated instructor, you could clear up a little bet Mustafa and I have here. I'm Shi'a, and he is Sunni. Now, as I understand it, it is the majority that makes the laws, and we were wondering whether after the election I and my Shi'a brothers will be able to slaughter the Sunni like the mongrel pack dogs that they are?"

"Oh my, lord no! No longer will you fear your fellow man, sir, but instead you will embark on a new age of peaceful coexistence with your fellow citizen."

"But I don't want to peacefully coexist...they trampled us like figs under a camel's foot for centuries, esteemed American teacher. Can we not have our rightful and bloody revenge as the 'dutifully elected majority'?"

"Uh, well, no, not really. You see, the key to any aspect of a proper democracy is equal rights and the protection of minorities from oppression."

"See, Mustafa, I told you. I can't smite you, you worthless swine...here, take your drachmas!"

"Hold on a minute you festering piece of Shi'a cow dung, I'm not sure I've won yet...Mr. American teacher, tell me, how are minorities protected in America?"

"Well, as I mentioned, we have a concept of a judicial system that views everyone as equal under the law, with rights to due process and equal treatment by the courts. It is these courts that make sure minorities are treated equally by other citizens and their government."

"Ah, I see. And how, may I humbly ask, have your minorities fared?"

"Ahem, well, ah, relatively speaking, I would say quite well."

"I have read in your papers that you have so kindly given us that your Blacks and Hispanics make up the majority of your prison population, is that not so?"

"Ah, they all had due process, I can assure you."

"There, see Ali, you Shi'a maggot, you'll have 'due process' to rend the very skin from our backs! Here, keep your drachmas!"

"Allah be praised! Thank you America!"

"Ahem...any other questions?"

"Yes, most exalted lecturer, I have a question. You mentioned that it is the hope of you and your government that we spread the message and lessons of freedom to our neighbours throughout the Middle East. Is this not so?"

"Indeed sir, it is."

"Ah, well, as a former Iraqi military officer, now unemployed, I was wondering, most laudable American sir, if you will help us rebuild our military so we can go forth and spread freedom."

"I'm not so sure we will be involved in that actually...."

"But you will let us purchase arms, won't you? How are we to spread freedom and democracy otherwise? ...We had plans ready for an invasion of Saudi Arabia before you invaded us. Is not Saudi Arabia a perfect example of tyranny that must be shown the ways of freedom, as you have shown us?"

"Actually, they are...ah...our allies."

"I see...so you will be invading them yourselves, then? Yes?"

"Next question!"

"Yes, valued sage. I take from your reaction to that Sunni filth that we are to engage only in peaceful relations with our neighbours. Would this be correct?"

"Yes! Yes! Peaceful relations! That would be correct, sir. Yes, indeed."

"Ah, well I assume then, most impressive guide, that you and your government will have no problem if we, my Shi'a brothers and I, join with our brethren in Iran? Perhaps even unite as one great Shi'a nation?"

"(cough) Iran?"

"Yes, most high and informed bringer of knowledge. You must know our history? If, as a free people, we choose to band together in common cause, would this not be our right?"

"Ah, well, technically I guess...um...."

"Mr. American, sir? Will we be allowed to use our Abu Ghraib Prison again, or can we borrow your Cuban one?"

"Ahem (cough)"

"Most esteemed one, I think I understand what that Sunni slime did not...Saudi is obviously too big to invade! Yes? You do not invade China, after all, do you? No, we should tackle something smaller, like Jordan. Yes?"

"Ah, no."

"Why?"

"I think we've had enough questions, today."

"Will we be free to institute Sharia law, if we choose?"

"No comment"

"If we choose to outsource reconstruction only to French companies, that is our right as free people too, yes?"

"Why, you ungrateful bastards!"

"Yes, most valued American teacher, but free ungrateful bastards, yes?"