Do No Harm

"Ah, Mr. Richards, please come in."

"Thank you, Doctor Smith. I can't tell you how thankful I am to get this appointment...it's very hard to find a doctor willing to take new patients these days."

"Well, you'll have no more problems with that, I can assure you, sir. We're very happy to have your business, here at the Abu Ghraib Doctors' Clinic."

"Actually, Doctor Smith, I was wondering about that...'Abu Ghraib Doctors' Clinic?'"

"Oh, don't let that alarm you, Mr. Richards. It's simply that after that nasty Lancet article suggesting that we were less than professional during our tour at Abu Ghraib...well, let's just say it was a little hard to get work when we came back. So, we set up our own little store, as it were. But let me assure you we are highly trained, and from the best schools, as you can see from my diploma over there. No, Mr. Richards, you've come to the right place. Now, if you could just remove your clothes and put that bag over your head."

"Bag?"

"Yes, that canvas one right there."

"Excuse me, Doctor, but why?"

"Are you questioning a health care professional, Mr. Richards? Because if you are, I'm sure there are lots of waiting lists you can beg to get on if my services are not to your liking."

"Okay, Doctor Smith! Okay! There, see? It's on!"

"Good. Now, I did say all your clothes, now, didn't I? Ah, much better...oh Mr. Richards, are you excited to see me? Perhaps it should be Mr. Dicks, eh? Ha ha, never mind, just a little service humour. Now, what was it exactly you came for?"

"Ingrown toenail, Doctor."

"Hmmm, when did you last have a physical, Mr. Richards? Some time ago, I should think. And a man at your age is most certainly due for a prostate check. Well, we'll tend to that toe in a minute...ha ha, if you're good, that is. Now, do bend over, Mr. Richards."

"Uh Doctor, perhaps I should really get going...."

"Private...I mean, nurse!"

"Yes, Doctor?"

"Ah, nurse England, I seem to be having a little trouble here with the patient. Would you be so kind as to subdue him? The dog collar is just over there."

"Yes, sir."

"Ahhhhh!"

"Oh, let's not be theatrical, Mr. Richards. I am a professional, you know. Do you really think anyone can hear you outside these walls?"

"Doctor?"

"Hmm? Oh, Doctor Jones. What can I do for you?"

"Lost another one, Doctor Smith."

"Really? Let me guess, 'natural causes' again."

"He he, indeed. Natural causes."

"How many times have I told you, Doctor Jones, that that little traction device of yours is very hard to breath in."

"Well, no pain no gain...her neck is certainly much better."

"Rather permanently, I should think. Well, here you go, though I really should warn you that this is the third death certificate I've had to sign this week. People might start to wonder, Doctor, so do go a little easier with those chiropractic adjustments...how about using that patient pilling technique we developed? It worked wonders on their posture, as I remember."

"Actually, I was thinking of using a broom handle or two...nothing like a little poke south of the border for forgetting what ails you, eh?"

"Ha ha, indeed...now, nurse England, how's our patient doing?"

"He seems to have passed out, sir."

"Hmm? Well, that certainly won't do. I dare say that this is a physical, not a slumber party...pass the smelling salts, will you, nurse? Mr. Richards? Hello? Do wake up, Mr. Richards"

"Huh? What happened?"

"Seems you fell asleep on us, Mr. Richards, which makes completing your physical rather difficult...now, does it hurt when I do this?"

"Ow!"

"I believe we can take that as a yes, don't you, nurse? Always so articulate, Mr. Richards? Well, ve haf vays ov mecking you talk! Ha ha, I've always wanted to say that! Isn't this fun? Okay now, just open your mouth and say 'aaah'...Mr. Richards?"

"I think that tennis ball is a little big, Doctor. I think he's choking."

"Well, you would too if I pushed it in that far...oh damn. Get the paddles, will you. His heart stopped and I've run out of death certificates."