UN Ambassador Training 101

There's an old saying: Never let them see you sweat. Good advice, people, especially when you're on a date. But here at the School for United Nations Ambassadorial Training and Dining Etiquette, the key is not so much to hide it, but to never do anything that would cause you to sweat in the first place. Yes, students, the art of diplomacy is the art of non-doing; the capacity to never commit, only comment and critique. With dedication, study, and practice, you too will be able do very little and yet eat very well.

Hard to believe, isn't it? I suspect some of you were concerned that you'd actually have to achieve something. Well, rest assured, nothing could be farther from the truth. But don't confuse lack of action with lack of dedication. It takes experience, cunning and courage to live on public funds with little more than an extra three inches of waistline to show for it. And before some of you from more impoverished nations ask the question, let me just say that even the poorest people in the world will scrape together enough money to send someone to New York for a steak dinner with the rather silly notion that they'll do something on their behalf.

Which is why we put you through such rigorous training; we certainly can't let anyone get wise to this well-constructed farce, now can we?

Alright, as you can see, much of your curriculum this semester will involve French cuisine, the dos and don'ts of wine lists, and general instruction on tipping and the New York nightlife. However, first we need to review some of the things you will face in performing your "job."

Yes, it is rather funny, I know, but do pay attention.

Now, essentially, your "job" is to never have your leaders become committed to something while sounding very indignant that it didn't happen. "All show and no action" is our motto; but never repeat that in public, no matter how much free Courvoisier you've been sampling.

It's a tricky thing to do, and you'll need the help of your fellow ambassadors to pull it off, with one of you being designated the "initiator," who will float some very noble but contentious idea to which the rest of you will respond.

Let's take the notion of "A Responsibility to Protect." It sounds good, and should win the lucky fellow who suggested it some marks and an extra-padded pension for bringing it up. And the beauty of it is how complicated it can get. Some ambassador will ask, What about my nation's sovereignty? Another will retort, How dare you intervene and invade my sovereign borders! Still others will inquire, If you invade me, then can't I invade you? Lovely points all, especially when some of you will be representing countries that really do deserve to have their borders invaded after engaging in genocide.

Of course, your leaders will want you to defend their sovereignty, but more importantly, so will your fellow ambassadors.

Think about this, students: many of you will represent countries whose citizens might want an end to genocide, but whose governments have other priorities that generally involve bank books and long vacations. Your sovereignty-defending ambassadors provide the foil for you to show indignation, to say you protested, and to throw up your arms at another watered-down resolution while being the first in line for the beluga caviar.

Teamwork is key.

But then, so is the power of words. Take, for instance, the example of terrorism. One of you will suggest a resolution condemning "terrorists," which should sit fine with just about everybody and will look good when you agree to it in principle. Ah, but couldn't you also call them "freedom fighters?" Don't we support them? Don't we support the oppressed when they rise up and fight for their freedom? Can't say no to that, can you? What about a resolution against "state terrorism?" There are a few bigwigs at the table guilty of preemptive invasions responsible for thousands of civilian deaths who might find that wording a tad difficult, which is a perfect opportunity to embrace "geopolitical realities" and adjust the wording accordingly.

Before you know it, you'll have the resolution reduced to condemning the use of dental floss on consular elevators, but only after a Security Council vote which, as we all know, will stop just about anything from passing, short of an agreement for more tea and biscuits.

It's amazing stuff, I know, but always remember that you are representing a tradition of excuses that dates back almost sixty years. It's a proud history and a profitable one. For as our saying goes, the early bird may get the worm, but it's the clever ambassador who sleeps in and keeps his post.

And that's really what it's all about, now isn't it?